


Still Me..

by AshHossain



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-08-13 21:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshHossain/pseuds/AshHossain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>15 Years....was it really that easy for you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Voice

**Author's Note:**

> again sorry for the errors.....and...I just added the tag suspense because I didn't know what else to give.......anyway...thanks for reading...please comment if you hate it...or slightly like it (///^///)

_ You know, you are my lifelong friend, right?  _ __  
__  
_ Why are you suddenly asking?  _ __  
__  
_ I just wanted to make sure before you leave. _ __  
__  
_ Just because I am leaving this place doesn't mean I will never contact you. I promise.  _ __  
__  
_ *sobbing sounds*  _ __  
__  
_ You are making it hard for me. (voice is too shaky)  _ __  
__  
_ I won't be able to move forward without you.  _ __  
  
And as usual, Turning my head to see him was the time when I woke up.    
  
This dream will haunt me forever.    
Yes, I call it a dream. I have never thought of it as a nightmare. It was too sweet to be one and I wanted to see it completely . But that face, I could never picture it. I always woke up at that part. With the vivid memory of the what I had about him, I could not recall the face. It was too hard.    
  
Just like my dream, another one of my movements also became a habit of mine. Closing my eyes again right after I woke up, shutting it tight, hoping that the dream will continue.... Hoping I'll be able to see that face. Too ironic you think?    
  
_ As usual...No use... _   
  
"Leo wake up, you have to move out really soon," the troubled voice of mother flowed from another room.    
  
I suppose she was right, I had to leave this house in pretty much one hour, so I had better get myself ready.    
  
I sluggishly stood up from my bed and dragged my body to the washroom.    
  
_ It's really bothersome _ .    
  
But then again my monthly salary will be saved from now on, though I had to say bye to my single living alone life. It was not as if anything was worth enough to change.    
  
I moved out with a bag of mine, containing few of my paperwork for office. Other stuffs such as my clothes, accessories, some of my other belongings were already shifted to my parents house. My mother handed the key over to the landlord while I just took the last glance at the house that I had been living in for nearly four years.   
  
__ Bye....    
  
***********   
  
"Do you really plan to search through the WHOLE nation in order to find only one man! It's a really stupid idea, and a waste of money."   
  
Ken nagged about how wrong my decision was. He was right, I was being indecisive. Also the part about how I wasted my money on something useless as this, when I can't guarantee of the success.... Yes, it was rather stupid. But then again, it was my money and I could waste it in anyway I want. But I kept quiet to his complains. Let him say whatever he wants. He had to change his branch only to come here and live with me, with me in Seoul. And I was thankful for that, from the bottom of my heart.    
  


"How are you going to recognize him after 15 years anyway? You only have a picture of two 12 year old kids sitting together in a park, eating chocolate bar. He is no longer a 12 year old kid you know!"   
  
I turned my face to him, sending him a smile. Whatever he was saying made absolute sense. He was no longer 12 years old, neither was I. So the chances of recognizing each other after 15 years... Was highly low.    
  
"But the heart wants what it wants "   
  
" Tsk.... Are you interested in him? "   
  
" We are here.. "   
  
I chose not to reply to that question of him. The word "interested" was not something that I would like to use for myself. I did not understand that word. words such as "love", "like "," interest" seemed nothing but a delusion to me. People said I was wrong.    
  
But I never understood their thoughts either. People fell in love, they say they could not live without each other, they slept together, they showed people that they are madly in love by posting pictures of their date but after weeks or months they come and tell me that something was not right, she or he was not the one. Then they start bad mouthing the person that they once said that they "Loved".    
  
_ Can you really call it anything but delusion?  _   
  
People said that I thought like that because I never dated anyone; But that's what the people said. In reality, I did try dating people, even if it was just once, I tried. I tried hard to understand what people was so crazy about. But couldn't. I tried holding hands, hugging each other and stuffs,but nothing felt special . And I realized how I could not continue doing it anymore, when we kissed. It felt just so wrong. And that is when I stopped continuing that drama.    
  
"Here's the key. "   
  
The landlord handed the key over to Ken while I walked inside. The house was decorated nicely, the decoration were so simple yet so soothing. I walked into the bedroom. The sky blue curtains on the windows went really well with the blue colored walls and white ceiling. It somewhat represented the sky.    
  
Walking towards the window I felt something against my foot. I looked down to find out that it was just a box. I sat down before it to check what was inside.    
  
Alarm clock, papers.... passport ?    
  
I took the passport in hand. It was of a man of the same age as me, probably the one living in here before me.    
  
_ Jung Leo _ ....    
  
I stood up to go to the living room. Yes, Ken was still talking with the landlord.    
  
"Excuse me, the person living here before left his passport. Can you contact him? " I said as I showed them the passport. The landlord shook his head,meaning that he didn't know.    
  
_ Liar...  _   
  
I just nodded as I went back to the bedroom. Going through the box, I obtained a visiting card, with the same name. His phone number was there. I dialed the number,only to realize that I had zero credit left.    
  
Sigh...    
  
"Ken can I have your phone?"   
  
He just happened to walk into the room right after bidding a bye to the landlord. Without saying anything he handed his phone over to me, I offered him a smile.    
  
I could hear the dial tone, informing me how the phone was ringing but none to pick it up. It was on my fourth try I suppose, when someone actually picked it, and a soft voice spoke out,   
  
"Hello.... "   
  
_ The voice was mesmerizing, it felt as if an angel just replied _ .    
  
Shaking my thoughts away I decided to get back to the main topic, the passport.    
  
" Umm, I was calling from the house you used to live in. "   
  
There was this awkward silence for awhile.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"How do you have my number?" the voice sounded confused.    
  
"Well, you left your passport and visiting card... I kinda called you to let you know about that."   
  
......   
  
Again that silence.    
  
"So will you come here to pick it up? Or shall I... "   
  
" I'm a bit busy now. I'll inform you later about what to do. "   
  
The man hung up.    
  
" What did he say hyung? "   
  
Ken asked me, after seeing me taking that down from my ears.    
  
" He's busy. He'll contact later... "I said as I returned the phone to Ken.    
  
Taking the in his hand he again started,    
" That's all? No thank you or anything? Or how grateful he is for you to inform him about it? "   
  
I shook my head to reply to his query.    
  


" Tsk.... Rich spoiled brats. My father said never to help this type of people. "   
  


And with that his train of complains started to move . And I just smiled at him.   
  
_Well he did say he'll contact later. But Ken's number... I think I'll have to contact him first... real soon..._   
  
****  
  
" Who was it hyung? "  
  
Looking up at the source of the voice, I found Ravi standing with a pile of books in his arms. The books must have been heavy, as I could see the veins popping out, very clearly.   
  
" someone.. Thanks for helping me. " I said as I sorted out the messed up papers lying on the floor.   
  
" that's what friends do, help. What did he say? "  
  
" He found my passport... " I said without bothering to take a look at the man. Therefore I didn't know what he was doing then.   
  
" Don't believe these people. I am sure he lied.even if he had found the passport, he will surely ask you for money. These people are schemers. Don't trust him. Better to make a new one instead. "  
  
I looked up at him this time. He was talking while sorting the books into the shelves. I shut my eyes.   
  
" Maybe you are right. "  
  
_Maybe..... But That Voice..... It sounds so....where have I heard it before?_  
  
===============


	2. Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colors amaze me...... only if I could see the true colors rather then painting them.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a make it or break it kind of chapter........ so.........either You'll hate it totally or like it... please comment to let me know your thoughts

I laid on my bed, fixing my gaze at the set of Windows before me and stared out, watching blearily as the sun made its arrival just at the horizon, making amber blaze through the sky. The cool breeze coming through the window created a chilly atmosphere inside the room.    
  
_ The colors never fails to amaze me... _

 

My eyes moved away from the window and I tried to go to sleep. 

 

‘Tried’ being the key word, I knew very well, I was in for yet  _ another _ long sleepless night. 

 

It happens every time when I change town,and sleep in a new apartment. It was merely all the excitement, all the questions, all those feelings of being betrayed, all those anxiety, all those uncertainty that made me keep awake at night. And tonight was no different. 

 

“Hyung,”

 

Ken called out for me, as he stuffed the last piece of pancake in his mouth. I shifted my eyes away from the newspaper to him, letting him know I was listening. 

 

“You didn't sleep yesterday night as well, did you?” he asked me narrowing his eyes at me. 

 

I offered him a smile, as I put down the newspaper and stood up to go and stand close to him. 

 

“Why would you say so?”

 

“Tch” he frowned. “Look at yourself in the mirror! Those dark circles are smiling!” He said as he pointed at my face with his index finger. 

 

_ I suppose he knows me too well to lie to him.  _

I smiled. 

 

“where will you go now?” 

 

“places,” sending him a wistful smile I started to move away from him. Honestly I didn't know how to answer him. 

 

“Hyung…”

 

And Ken’s phone started to ring. To get a call at 7:00am in the morning, it was highly rare for Ken. I looked up at him as he took the phone to his ear. 

 

“Hello.”

Ken had a serious look plastered on his face.

 

_ “ _ ahh,yes………...hmm…...okay…..hold on a minute,” with that Ken looked up at me. Raising his other hand,in a motion to write in the air, probably meaning that he needed pen and a paper. And so did I did. 

 

I handed the newspaper to him with a pen. And he wrote out an address,before wishing the other person a good day and putting the phone down. 

 

“What a scary voice….” Ken shuddered, handing the newspaper over to me. I took it. 

 

_ VIXX CAFE….  _

 

I rose my eyebrows in confusion, as to what I was supposed to do with a name of a cafe. 

 

“That passport guy called. He told you to meet at that place.”

 

Ken took his blazer to move forward to the door. 

 

“But, I need your phone ….” I hurriedly made the suggestion. 

 

“No need. Just be there at 2:00pm. He said he’ll be there. Ask the reception his name… and he said  **_NOT TO CALL HIM!_ ** ”

 

Not even bothering to look behind, Ken slammed the door shut as he left me alone in confusion . 

 

_ I suppose he did not want to be late on the very first day…  _

 

I again darted my gaze to the newspaper. 

 

_ But… how will I recognize him..  _

 

\-----------------

 

_ Bzzzzzzzz _

 

My eyebrows furrowed and my hand automatically reached out to search for the blaring vibration of my phone. Failing to find it I opened my eyes slightly, but only to notice that it had stopped. With the slight crack of my eyes I looked at my side, to see my mother holding my phone in her hand. 

 

_ Ahh… that's right… i’m at my parents house…  _

 

My mother's soft hand reached out for my hair as it slowly patted me, making me feel comforted by the loving touch. 

 

“Wake up now, you have office to attend.”

 

“So early….” came out the hoarsely whispers. 

 

“It's almost 6:30am….you have to be at job by 8:00….wake up.” My mother's sweet voice came into my ears,and that was enough to make me fully awake. 

 

I sat up on my bed to take a glance at the clock that was pointing at 6:34am. 

 

_ But…. How?  _

 

“Good boy.. Now get ready, we are waiting for you.” With that my mother left the puzzled me alone in my room. 

 

_ Why puzzled?  _

 

It was the first time in the last 15 years when I actually woke up with an alarm buzz from my phone. My body had its own routine. And that was to wake up with that incomplete dream. 

 

That was my  _ alarm.  _

 

No matter where I went, which country, which house, the dream was always my companion, and to think that it stopped… 

 

_ Am I supposed to be happy?  _

 

Logically, yes. That dream was perhaps burdensome, but personally I was sad. And the funny part was, it’s only one time, but yet already I feel like I’m missing something. 

 

_ Maybe it was for only one day……  _

 

But a dream that I have been having for the last 15 years…. Why would it suddenly stop?

 

I tried to recall every little thing that happened yesterday as I dragged my body into the washroom. Turning the shower on, letting the water roll down on my body. 

 

_ Moving out, sorting out papers, talking to father, arranging my room… _

 

Nope. I could not find anything unusual for such a trivial change in my routine. 

 

Coming out of the shower wearing a boxer, I ruffled a towel over my head, in an attempt to dry my hair. 

 

It was then that my gaze was suddenly drifted on my phone and yesterday's voice started playing in my head like a typical record player. 

 

……  _ is it because of that…. But….  _

 

And instinctively I reached for it and my thumb went across the screen to search for the number in a notion to call it. And without realizing , I had held my breath in when the opposite party took the call. 

 

_ “Hello” _

 

And my expectations shattered into pieces. It was not the same voice. At least it didn't sound like it to me. 

 

“I was calling about the passport… someone called me from this number..”

 

Dunno why but I still hoped that this unfamiliar voice would hand the phone to the person that I was looking for. 

 

“ _ Ahh, yes” _

 

“Were you the one who called?”

 

_ “Hmm…” _

 

Well there went my last chance of hearing the voice again.Maybe it was just my imaginations. But I still had to get my passport back…..

 

“okay. Can you come to a park in the afternoon with the passport?” my voice suddenly became so Stern. Not that I cared. 

 

_ “okay” _

 

_ “ _ At 2:00pm. Meet me at… “

 

“hold on a minute…”

 

_ I really hated being cut off in the middle…  _

 

exactly after a minute I started to continue again. 

 

“Meet me up in VIXX cafe. I will make a reservation. Just ask for my name at the counter, they will show you the way. And no need to call me to find me. ”

 

And I hung up. 

 

“Leo, why are you still not dressed up?  And what are you doing in an underwear? “

 

I looked over my shoulder to see my mother again standing behind me with a shocked look on her face accompanied by a new maid whose face was no less red compared to a tomato. And it was for her face that I realized again how it was not my own “ _ home sweet home”.  _

 

I didn't bother turning around, a maid who was already that red only seeing my back, I dunno if she would still be able to keep on standing there if I had turned around. 

 

I somehow sent my mother a half heartedly smile, and blinking once slowly, in an attempt to assure her that I’ll be ready in a moment. 

 

Mother did not delay to catch my signal and leave with the flustered new maid, who yet peeked at me twice while following my mother out. 

 

_ I’d better get ready _ … 

 

\-----------------------

 

Sitting with a leg crossed over another and my right elbow placed on a handle of the chair, I looked at my watch. It clicked on 3:15pm. And I was pretty sure, Ken told me to be at the cafe at 2:00 pm. And yet here I was, sitting in the cafe, looking out of the glass wall, counting people, judging their characters and painting their faces with color.    
  
I loved doing that in my imagination..    
  
In a way, sitting there was a privilege to me, since I could notice everything from here. Starting from a middle aged lady on the second floor of a small building, on the other side of the road, pouring dirty water on a young man who was most likely going to a job interview wearing that white fine shirt with those glazing new shoes, making him all frustrated ; to the shiny new car, parked before the cafe where a rich man stood by it as he kicked the street dog because it happened to sniff him.    
  
  
I colored the woman's face in plum while the boy's face represented the darkest shade of purple; and painted the rich man in Golden and somehow the dog's face automatically turned into brown. I could see it all. And they all seemed so clear to me. Each of the face on the street wore a new color, and I kept looking for a certain one.    
  
_ However.... which one _ ?    
  
I dunno. But that didn't stop me, there was a ray of hope shining ever so dimly, telling me that perhaps maybe.... Maybe when I see it finally….. I’ll be able to recognize it….    
  
…..  _ Maybe _ …..    
  
And I couldn't get rid of that hope, afterall that was the only reason why even after 15 years I still dreamt of finding him, I still wondered around. 

 

The waitress, near 16-18 years old, came by my table twice by now, asking me if I wanted to order anything. Honestly I didn't, but seeming that the lady once came by and left already made me feel bad and by looking at the twinkle in her eyes, I was pretty sure asking about my order was not the only reason why  _ she _ was hovering around my table. Therefore I just went through the menu to finally order myself a piece of chocolate mousse cake. 

 

The waitress bowed a little as she offered me the most shy smile of this century, and I just happened to return her one with the same amount of delight, causing her to blush profusely as she soon turned around to run to the girl sitting at the counter. 

 

I let out a chuckle. 

 

_ Teenagers are the most mysterious being on earth…  _

 

They are different from that old lady, or from that fine frustrated young man, or that rich guy, or from that stray dog…. 

 

_ Or from me…  _

 

They think everything with their heart, but not from their mind. It is what makes them mysterious. You can't color them. They hold the rainbow in their hand. 

 

_ THINK I am joking?  _

 

Well, how about from my perspective, where I was supposed to meet a stranger at a cafe at 2:00pm but ended up getting seated for more than 1 hour and 15 minutes. Right now, even if he showed up, what could I do? Tell him that he certainly was late but it was okay, utmost…. But what would a teenager do at this point? 

 

He or she will pour his or her anger out on that stranger. Even though the option, ‘leaving’ was always open,  but they won't. They will sit down there and wait for the stranger  to come and to answer his or her queer, as if they had every single right over that person. 

 

_ How I wish I could be a teenager now! _

 

"Here's your order, sir," the girl said while placing my chocolate mousse cake before me. I offered her another smile while taking the fork in my hand to cut a small bite from my desert.    
  
"Can I ask you a question sir?"   
  
Let's just say I had to stop in the middle. 

 

Putting the fork down I looked up at her eyes. Curiosity was sparkling in those eyes, as if she held the universe's most wanted question for me to reply.    
  


That's also another thing that I envied of the teenagers . Not all their questions gets answered, but they don't hung up onto it. They once forget. 

 

_ But I couldn't _ .    
  
And that is why I envy them.    
  
Nodding my head slightly, I signaled the teen to go on.    
  
And she without waiting for my consent sat down on the chair across my table in a  mode to start her query. I too laid back a bit on my chair, facing the lady to reply to her every bits of curiosity.    
  
"Are you an idol? "he eyebrows rose slightly in childish confusion.    
  


And I let out a chuckle to know that this was the world's most popular question for her.    
  


I looked at her curious eyes questionably,   
" Why would you think so? "   
  


The lady shrunk a but, probably in embarrassment to think that she got it wrong...   
  
" well, your dark purple hair color , with Your overall attire.... " she mumbled.   
  
My eyebrows again slightly rose, confusion was probably evident in my eyes, with a slow grin on my face,   
  


" My attire?"   
  


"Well it's not a common sight for the customers to wear clothes this stylishly. People with personal stylists can only wear clothes like that I mean that white strokes on the navy blue unbuttoned suit with that black undershirt hugging that absolute perfect figure of yours. And that stunning red handcuffs lazily falling on both of your wrists making your skin glow even more like..... Sorry."   
  
It was probably my face, that gave my emotions away, thus she suddenly stopped in the middle and her small figure crunched up together with a remorseful look plastered on that face. I looked away from her to take a good look at my own clothes. Darting my gaze again back to her I offered her a delightful smile. For which in return she seemed to loosen up a bit.    
  
"You have a nice eye I suppose.. Wanna be a fashion designer or something?"   
  


Maybe I hit the spot, because a bright smile broaden across her lips, and she opened those up to say something but only managed to hastily stand up and apologized to the lady that once she ran over to.    
"Get back to work! " were the words that she heard. She bowed to me a little with sadness painted in those youthful eyes of hers. While my ones just stared at that retreating figure. 

 

_ Can you still color that lady? Which one? Red for her passion? Lilac for her interest? Golden yellow for her curiosity? Or White for her innocence?  _

 

I still couldn't. They truly are rainbow. 

 

And the grin on my face stressed, as I finally took the first bite of my chocolate cake. 

 

* _ phone rings* _

 

I take my phone out to see who it was. Well, it was just Ken. 

 

“Ken-ah…. I have been sitting here for 1 hour and a half hour now .”

 

“ _ ah… hyung… he said he had a meeting and he could excuse himself only 15 minutes ago. And now he is in traffic.” _

 

“So shall I wait for some more time?”

 

“ _ Nah… just call it a day today. I’ll let him know. It's his fault for being late anyway. ” _

 

“Okay then. See you at dinner.” with that I hung up. Walking up to the cashier to pay my bill my eyes again found the girl, smiling at her for the last time for that day, I went out. 

 

I took a few steps away from the cafe, making my way to the main road. And a taller man with fairer complexion bumped his shoulder with mine, quite strongly, as he tried to shoulder past me. The slight sight of him what I happened to caught, I didn't see his eyes. They were covered up with sunglasses and he was wearing a long sleeve loose button up shirt,with his headphone on. 

 

I looked over my shoulders to see the man, and he did not show any courtesy of turning back to say sorry to me. And these were the second type of person that I could never see the color of. That pride of money along with high model posture, rich clothes, it seemed all fake to me. Thus I have never tried to color them. There was no color for them in my dictionary, and that is why, I have always thought of them as black. 

 

Black perhaps to people, was a color. But to me it was more than that, it was an emotion, emotion of letting you know how blank and dark your life is. The people I paint with black, have no color in their life. They hide themselves from others, from themselves, wearing a fake mask. How can you color a fake person?

 

_ That's absurd...  _

 

But yet I looked back at that man one last time, pushing the cafe door open in a hurry, but to me that happened in such slow motion, and for no reason at all my heart wished to know his color. And to my own surprise  for a moment there, I felt as if I really did know his color. 

 

But that was only for a very brief moment. As my mind went absolutely blank exactly when the door behind him closed, leaving me questioning myself as to why did I try to color him, and  _ what color did I actually chose?  _   
  


My mind played with those questions as I got into a cab to finally leave for my home. And maybe it was after 4more minutes when my phone started to ring, cutting the trails of my thoughts. 

 

“Hello,”

“Did you leave?” came the agitated voice of Ken. 

 

“Yes, why?”

 

“Are you far from the cafe now?”

 

“yup quite far away… why? Did that man show up?”

 

“Awe… Well I guess nothing can't be done now.”

 

And with that he hung up. 

 

I took out the passport from my pocket to read the name once again. 

 

_ Jung Leo…..  _

 

It then hit me what a foolish job have I done. I had an option of giving the waitress this passport, so when he arrives they could have given it to him. 

 

I let out a sigh in frustration. I really was dense. 

 

_ But then again _ , 

 

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself after making such a stupid decision,exhaling slowly, 

 

_ Everything happens for a reason… right? Mischievous  _

  
  
  
  
  



	3. A New Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they had a new dream.

 

The loud thudding noise in my ears was enough to make me realize how much desperate I was to meet this person. And how I ran here with every last bit of my energy left in this body after knowing that someone else was to return the passport, only hoping to hear that voice once more. 

 

The noise still haven't calmed down and I could see the mouth of the lady at the counter moving. I couldn't make out what she was telling me as at that time, the only one thing that was going through my mind was,

 

_ I missed him…. _

 

“Mr Jung, Are you with us?”

 

My trail of thoughts got disrupted with the voice of an unknown lady. Shifting my head to the source of the voice, I found myself sitting with a middle aged man wearing suit and a lady wearing a black silk gown with a long V neck. The lady had a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

 

_ Ah.. I am at another meeting.. the reason why I missed him… _

 

I nodded slightly and they again started to talk. I could feel the continuous stare of that lady on me very well. Even though I tried to ignore, but I knew well , that she was also the very reason why I was here,sitting in a meeting,wearing such clothes.

 

_ Of course...why else would father tell me to wear something like this to a meeting... _

 

“Okay, I think we are okay now.” The man said getting up and shaking hands with one of our worker and I just bowed my head, not certainly in the mood to know about  _ unnecessary _ topic at that moment. 

 

The man started to walk out of the room and our worker followed, I kept my position remained waiting for the lady to also start to walk.

 

Well, she didn’t.

  
  


Lifting my head up after awhile, I found that lady still smiling, and this time her fingers also played with her hair strands. And looking at her stance I was sure that she won't leave me alone right now, be it just a dinner or drink, she was about to ask for it. Despite of knowing that, I decided to take a step.

 

If she didn’t move then I should, right?

 

Bowing my head a little customarily, I turned to take my step,only to be stopped by her as she grabbed my arm. 

 

“Are you free right now? There's a nice drinking place around here that I know of..”

 

_ Surprise Surprise…. _

 

Her way of talking was making me sick. I understood very well that father sent me here to get this lady’s _ attention _ ,but at that moment,I was in not myself, and that seductive tone of her was not helping me relax either. I offered her a fake smile,and that red lips of her curved into a smirk.

 

_ One drink won't harm… _

_. _

_. _

Life is a real mystery and you never know what waits for you. Just like how I didn't know yesterday that I would become so crazy to only hear an unknown voice like this , neither did I know today that this lady would just get drunk like this only after four shots. There's a high possibility of this lady,who introduced herself as Sophie is faking, but for some reason I didn't wanna care about it. 

 

_ Just leave her at her apartment and leave. _

 

That was most certainly my plan,but it seemed like her one differed from mine a great deal. And, it was also for that certain reason that I was now lying on her bed , with the lady wrapping her legs and arms around like an octopus and I? Struggled to release myself from her grasp.

 

_ Why is nothing going by my plan? _

 

And maybe it was to make my task even harder that my phone started to ring at that moment. Pushing her arms away from me I somehow sat down,her legs still wrapped around me. Taking the call,

 

“Hello.”

 

_ “Where are you?”  _

 

The person for whom I ended up here sounded quite falsely concerned, while I tried to control my temper another time today.

 

“ I’m at Ms. Sophie's apartment.”

 

“ _ Ms. Sophie’s apartment?”  _ He sounded appalled.

 

“hn. I’ll be home soon”

 

_ Or not. _

 

And I felt someone pulling me by the back of my collar causing me to again lie down,as she again wrapped her hands around me.

 

_ “ _ You are not going anywhere,Leo-ssi~” 

 

She whispered, but loud enough for both me and my father to hear. I got annoyed by that order already,and my father had to just pour extra fuel into it with the next sentence that he said.

 

“Do what she says. Her father is an imp-” 

 

I hung up. That was enough for me to understand what he was about to say next also to make me infuriated. Maybe I was too rude, but at that time I don't think I needed to act as a loyal son.

 

_ Son…… _

 

Sometimes I wonder if he ever thought of me like that.  At that moment what I felt like was nothing but a company product that my father was using and I had no choice either.

 

“It’s all you and me now” the words itself felt as if someone had poured poison in my ears and I looked at her with disgust while the phone in my hand kept on ringing. Probably my so called father worried that I’d leave her and his company would suffer the loss.

 

_ I should do that, right? _

 

But I couldn’t. After all, I was my parents  _ loyal  _ son.

 

Her fingertips started to work on my shirt as it unbutton one by one while my grip tightened around the vibrating phone. It was probably the last button when I lost my temper. Shoving her away from me, I took the phone almost yelling,

 

“Okay fine! I’ll do what she wants me to do! You want me to fulfil her desire! I’ll do it! That will make you happy right?”

 

_ “Um……. no….but I suppose it’ll make her happy?” _

 

My eyes widened with each words. The shattered hope in the morning started to again merge together while I felt as if my heartbeat had stopped.

 

_ That voice…… _

 

Maybe a few minutes went by, but I couldn’t tell, after all I was still dazed and somehow mesmerized by that voice.

 

_ “Umm...anyone there?” _

 

I broke out of my daze and finally open my lips. But words wont come out, no matter how much I tried, and the least I could utter was,

 

“Hn…”

 

_ “Um… I was the passport guy… um.. It seems you were busy.. So if you are free tomorrow then, can we meet tomorrow?” _

 

I finally came to my senses, well enough to finally realize what was happening around me. I suppose I was too much desperate to hear that voice again somehow. Such a joke but yet it felt relieving..

 

_ I wonder why… _

 

“ ah… yes… I’m free tomorrow…”

 

“Who says?” 

 

For a few moment there I forgot that I was not alone and the other person’s voice again did not fail to piss me.

 

_ “Umm…. am I invading your privacy? Should I call later?” _

 

I felt as if My heart snapped at that sentence. And I immediately tried to ensure him that it was nothing of that. 

 

“No no… you are not. Please go on.”

 

“ _ Umm….. so where should we meet up?” _

 

“Ah! Shall we meet at a restaurant? ‘ _ Starlights’.... _ be there by 12:00pm, maybe?”

 

I must have sounded so eager at that time, but again just like in the morning I couldn’t care less. Afterall , my mind was working on its own while I could not win against it by reasoning, neither did I want to.

 

“ _ Ahh…. okay I’ll be there..” _

 

“Thanks….I’ll come.”

 

“ _ Okay…” _

 

I almost put the phone down when I heard him again saying something to me.

 

“ _ Would you mind if I say something?”  _

 

I again took that phone to my ear .

 

“No…”

 

“ _ Don’t force yourself…. Even though I’m not in a place to tell you this. But yet, I just wanna tell you that, this is not something you should force yourself into.” _

 

Surprisingly, for someone as I was, I have never wanted anyone else to tell me what to do. My father and mother was enough.  _ Advice?  _ I didn’t need those. They practically held no meaning to me whatsoever. And therefore I never accepted them. They annoyed me. 

 

That’s where it felt strange. Because this time it did not hassle me.

 

My brain was reacting to every one of his words differently. And ‘Differently’ being the key word, it was meant to be irritating. But I ended up enjoying it. Enjoying the fact that I was losing my mind, all because of one man’s voice.

 

And without noticing a smile formed at the corner of my lips and I quietly relished it. 

And maybe it was again my repose that made him hesitate on what he had just said.

 

_ “Um.. I think I was crossing my boundary. We’ll meet tomorrow.”  _

 

He hung up.

 

And I, in an instant knew what I had to do. After all…. I didn’t have to force myself.

 

“Where are you going?” 

 

I stopped to the confused tone. Turning around I saw the all baffled lady sitting on the bed. Would a drunk lady still contain this much sense to understand that I was leaving? The smile still crept on my face and for some reason I could not discrete it.

 

“My home?” 

 

I replied as if that was the most obvious reply of all time.

 

“You can’t?” She said quiet firmly, and I rolled my eyes at her,making my way to the door, again buttoning my shirt that she unbuttoned. 

  
  


_ **** _

“What doesn’t he has to do ,Hyung?”

 

The slight curiosity of Ken was palpable in his tone which his facial expression did not betray to show.

 

“I dunno. He sounded furious.” I said as I put down the phone.

 

“Is he with a  _ lady? _ ”

 

Emphasizing on the word lady, Ken held a mischievous smile, that I found quite amazing to react to.

 

“Dunno. I only talked about passport.” 

 

I most certainly did not want to answer to that question at that moment. So I sent him an wistful smile, as I made my way to my room. Lying on the bed my eyes automatically darted to the set of windows before me. The pearly moonlight, peering through the curtains was the only light that brightened up the room. And I enjoyed that dim touch of it. The mood soon made me fall asleep and before I knew it, I got drowned into the darkness.

 

_ Can you really see the colors of people and relationship?  _

_ (the squeaky sound of the swings could be heard) _

 

_ Colors? _

 

_ yes …. I can. _

 

_ Wahh!! I’m jealous. I wish I could see them as well.  (kids laughing sounds) _

 

_ You have to be born with it. _

 

_ Can you see mine? _

 

_ Yes. You are scarlet.  _

 

_ Ahh! Red? Why?  _

 

_ Not red, scarlet...There’s no reason. People just gets born with it. ( swing stopped) _

 

_ Really? (pouting) _

 

_ You don’t like it? _

 

_ It’s my favourite color! But I don’t like the thing that u said! _

 

_ Which one? _

 

_ Born with it…… _

 

_ Ow….why? _

 

_ Because I believe people can change colors. _

 

_ I’ve never seen them changing. _

 

_ You just haven’t noticed. ( giggles ) _

 

_ ….. _

 

_ What is the color of your parents relationship then?  _

 

_ Dark yellow… _

 

_ Why? They were born with it?(giggles) _

 

_ ….what is the color of friendship, Taekwoonie?  _

 

_ Citrine yellow. _

 

_ So we are looking yellow now? (chuckles)  _

 

_ …….our color aint yellow… _

 

_ Huh? What is it then? _

 

_ It’s somewhere between pink and red. _

 

_ Why? _

 

_ …… _

 

_ I can also see colors like you! _

 

_ You can’t. _

 

_ (the squeaky sounds again filled the air) _

 

_ Well then I’ll paint them.And I already know your color...it’s- _

 

“Hyung! Wake up! I have to leave soon”

 

Opening my eyes I found Ken leaning on me with a concerned look on his face. Seeing me opening my eyes he slowly moved away and I made my way up.

 

“ it’s rather unusual for you to sleep longer than me, hyung. Are you okay?”

 

I looked at his questionably eyes as he put his palm against my forehead to check my temperature.  

 

Sending him a reassuring smile I softly held onto his hand and pulled him into an embrace. It felt warm and I felt as if I needed it at that moment.

 

“Hyung? What’s wrong? Shall I call the doctor?” 

 

My ears heard his troubled voice but my brain could not register it. Was it that unreal to hug your dongsen in the morning? Do people not do that anymore? 

 

I shook my head as I let him go. Sending him a zestful smile I made my way to the washroom while the confused blonde just kept on staring at my back. Shutting the washroom door behind me I leaned my back against it. Maybe it was because of Ken that I did not realize that I had a really bad headache. Soon my back slid on the door and I fell on the floor. I buried my eyes in my palms, maybe trying to protect my eyes from the light, or else I couldn’t think of the reason as to what I was doing at that time. The only thing that I could think of at that moment was that dream.

 

_ Memories….why after so many years did I remember of that? _

 

That thought nothing but worsened the headache and I buried my face deeper. Trying to remember that memory fully.

 

_ What was the color? What did I paint you as …….Jung Taekwoon? _

 

*****

_ ….what is the color of friendship, Taekwoonie?  _

 

_ Citrine yellow. _

 

_ So we are looking yellow now? (chuckles)  _

 

_ …….our color isn’t yellow… _

 

_ Huh? What is it then? _

 

_ It’s somewhat between pink and red. _

 

_ Why? _

 

_ ….. _

_ I can also see colors like you! _

 

_ You can’t. _

 

_ Well then I’ll paint them.And I already know your color...it’s- _

 

Again it was the time when I turned my face to look at the source of the voice, and I woke up.

 

_ A new dream……. _

 

Even though it was a new dream, but still, it was a dream of that person and I again tried to shut my eyes, hoping that this time I’ll finally be able to turn my face to him.

 

_ As usual no use. _

 

“Will you wake up already?” 

 

Familiar voice called out and I looked at the source of that voice. The blue haired prince was already sitting with a glass filled with wine while giving me an annoyed look. And I tried to sit down on my chair properly to realize that I had pulled a muscle thanks to sleeping on the chair, for the whole night. My neck hurt,and I slowly moved my thumbs around the area to hope that the pain would decrease.

 

“That’s what happens when you don’t sleep at home!” Ravi complained while getting up from the couch.

 

“Aunt was really worried.”

 

With the mention of aunt I looked up. I was sure her husband would have told her that much. But I suppose he did not.

 

“Sorry . I had some paperworks to do.”

 

My neck felt a little bit at ease now.

 

“Paperworks? Today’s sunday? You know, you are the only one in the office.”

 

His words were kinda annoying me and I didn’t bother looking at him. Instead I preoccupied myself with sorting out those unnecessary papers on the desk.

 

“Wait. you did not do anything here last night with some la-”

 

I could no longer keep on ignoring him and so I had sent him a death glare. He didn’t finish the sentence.

 

He gulped at my stare and shrunk a little while I took a glance at the clock. It seems I overslept and it was already 10:00 am. 

 

“Move. I have to get ready.”

 

“Why? Are you going on a date.”

 

I again sent him a glare and he took a step back. And he should be lucky that I had other stuffs to think about at that moment so I left him there all alone.

 

The next two hours went by quickly and I sat at the restaurant alone, drinking my coffee and waiting for the person that I was supposed to meet. I most certainly said that we should meet at 12:00 but it was almost 12:17 pm and that person was nowhere to be seen. I tried to call him but the number was found switched off.

 

I shut my eyes close and Ravi’s words started to play in my  head.

 

“Was it really some schemers…?”

 

But the thought didn’t last long, as it soon got replaced by my newest concernt. My dream. 

 

_ Seeing the colors…….when was the last time I tried to do that? _

 

Thoughts started to spread wings, and I couldn’t remember the last time when I did that, neither why I stopped doing that. 

 

Without knowing it My eyebrows furrowed and I fell deeper into my thoughts. The dream was clear, and I remember every bits of it, then why could I not remember that face?

 

I tried to recall every single words.

 

_ It’s been so long since I last heard that name…….Taekwoonie…… _

 

“Leo-sshi~”

 

_ Yes I suppose that’s how it’d seem if that voice from my dream would have called my current name now.  _

 

I was appalled at my own ability on how perfectly I could imagine that voice to utter my current name. I also imagined how that voice would sound a bit deep and mature after all these years.

 

“um...Leo-sshi~”

 

It was probably the third time of my name being uttered, then I realized that it was not my imagination but my name was actually being called and I hastily tried to stand up, resulting with the splatter of my coffee all over my pants. I somehow managed to catch the cup from falling it to the ground, and the person before me started to call for the waiter asking for something to maybe wipe that coffee off my clothes.

 

I looked up at the man before me. He had a plain black t-shirt on and at that moment all I could see was his back facing me.

 

The waiter came running with a piece of white cloth and he took it from his hand to start wiping that coffee off me, almost half sitting.

“Ah… I am sorry….. we were supposed to meet at 12:00 so I kinda fell asleep I think….…I can do it on my own.”

 

I tried to bent down and take the cloth from his hand but destroying that chance of mine he straightened up I got the full view of his feature. 

 

And that was the time when I realized that all those ‘fated to meet’ drama showing how the two protagonist met each other with the most obvious turn of event might not be a false overreacting moment at all. No, I’m not talking about romance drama. I did not had a notion to turn it into a rom com. But at that time….did my notion actually matter? Honestly, nothing mattered. All it mattered was that I felt as if I found an answer. 

 

Too  _ cliche  _ you feel?

 

Surely I won’t blame you. If it was someone else’s story, then I would have thought so as well. But considering it was something that was happening to me… all I could think was some over dramatic protagonist script. Which beyond any doubt was not relatable to this case of scenario but yet my brain kept playing with me and I tried to think rationally. 

 

_ Could he actually be the one that I dreamed of? Only one way of finding out. Asking him, right? _

 

“I’m sorry. There were a lot of traffics so I got late.”

 

“Ahh~”

 

His voice broke my daze and I started wonder what exactly was I thinking a few moments ago. 

 

_ I might be going crazy… _

 

“How did you knew it was me?”

 

“Well your passport …… I’m N...nice to meet you.”

 

_ N…. _

 

And he offered me a handshake. It was supposed to feel good, right? After all my mind have been going crazy to hear that man’s voice, as if he held the answer to all my queer.

 

_ Then…. what is this feeling of guilt…….. _

 


	4. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just an autumn day....

_ Colorless people always disgust me….. _

 

My mind kept on playing that sentence as my eyes kept on observing the man, sipping coffee from his cup while we waited for our lunch to arrive. I suppose calling the fact of having a lunch with him after returning his passport- a turn of event would be bizarre.My eyes wandered around, looking at every kind of possible couples sitting at the tables around us, gossiping,smiling. Some of them seemed real while most wore the color purple, making me feel all sick by the fakeness.

 

But then diverting my gaze upon us I scoffed. Even for strangers...what could I color us as? When you sit with a colorless person, what color can you choose for yourselves. 

 

“Here are your orders sir. Please enjoy.” 

 

The waiter placed our food before us and I Let out a sigh of frustration. Waiting to escape this awkward silence.

 

“Please enjoy,”

the one sitting before me said in a low tone and I returned him a small smile, that he did not even bothered to look at. Looking at the food placed before me I stared back at him. The reason of that man ordering a couple lunch set for us, went over my head and an awkward smile in disbelief tried to make its way up to my lips. 

 

Not only the problem was with him ordering the couple set, there was also a problem of me not liking the menu. There was a complimentary sashimi salad for two and main course was potato gratin. My neck automatically cranking sideways as I stared back at him. And I didn't know what happened, disbelief got replaced by adore, smile stretched and in my own subconscious I took a bite of that potato gratin. 

 

“You eat like a kitten….,”

 

I did not even had the slightest clue of when I opened my mouth to say anything, all I understood was that words had left from my mouth on its own to reach his ears and he gazed up at that, pausing his eating and I... I put the chopsticks back into my mouth a weak attempt at trying to stifle the slight giggle bubbling up my throat. I glanced up to notice him also slowly taking a bite of the sashimi salad and gazing at me. Eyes met and the corner of his lips formed a little curve while I returned his contagious smile with a generous one of my own. After that….after that we did no talking yet it felt as if we had a long conversation with our eyes. About what you ask?....hmm…. who knows… 

 

But I learned one thing after our lunch was over- colorless people might not disgust me as much as I thought they would.

 

_ \--------------------------------------- _

 

_ He was generous. _

 

I reached out my hands for a handshake and he gladly accepted it with a smile on his face. My mind whistled the word “different” even at the last moment of me seeing him.

 

“It was nice to meet you. N-sshi,” I murmured softly and his grip tightened giving my hand a slight shake.

 

“Same here,” 

he replied with a delightful smile that his eyes did not fail to present. His chocolate orbs were expressive, there was no trace of deception in them, they were as pure as Crystal and my black ones couldn’t help but feel awed at that purity. And the next moment my mind went blank. Maybe I held onto his hand for too long, that he stared at my hands and I, getting the signal of late finally let him go.

 

“So I’ll take my leave. Have a nice day,” 

he gave me a small bow before turning, and I stood there uncertain of what to do,rather than looking at the retreating figure. And my mind screamed the word  _ offer him a ride _ only after he had vanished from my sight. I quickly ran towards my car and started the engine. I didn’t have to drive too long as to taking a turn I saw him standing and waving his hand, hoping a taxi would stop. 

 

I pulled up before him and he lowered his arm. 

 

“Need a ride?” that’s all I could muttered but I also wanted to curse at myself for saying even that small sentence so icily. But for that latter, it didn’t seem like it mattered, because all he did was bestowed upon me a smile.

 

“So, are you a businessman?” I swerved my head to his voice to answer his enquiry. 

 

“Yes,” I replied again facing the dashboard.

 

“What kind of business?” He asked with curiosity flickering in his voice.

 

“My father is the owner of Error Electronics.” I somehow replied, after all I myself was not sure of what I really do.

A small titter filled the air and I tried to look at the smiling figure with the corner of my eyes.

 

“Error Electronics? Why? Does your product always conduct some kind of malfunction.” He was trying hard to hold in his giggles.

 

“No,” I replied, slightly protesting. “It’s one of the best company of S.Korea. Have you never used our product before?”

He childishly shook his head. His eyes still glimmering with amuse.

 

“I don’t think I would buy your product even if I do find them though,” his titter became louder forming into full giggle. He was mocking and I understood that very well. But yet my mind felt at ease, and again his sweet contagious giggles did not fail to make my body move on its own and to my own surprise I again found myself smiling.

 

“Wah! How did you know my address?” 

his eyebrows rose in childish confusion as if this was one of the world’s greatest mystery as I stopped the car before the apartment that I once used to live in.

I let out a huff before pulling out the passport from my pocket.

 

“Thanks for returning it.”

 

And it seemed to have replied his query as he slowly nodded twice before getting of the car.

“

Thanks for the ride,” He said gracefully, smile still not vanished from his lips.

 

“It’s the least I could do,” I sternly replied, and my dear phone started to ring.

 

_ I think I’ll have to throw this phone out soon… _

 

Shifting my gaze to the screen I saw my father calling me and automatically the frown formed on my face.

 

“See you later than.” His voice came into my ear and I just nodded without looking at him, too much occupied with the ringing phone in my hand. The wheels under me started to roll and fast I was away from the apartment.Calling the number back I put it on loudspeaker.

 

“ _ Where are you?” _ came the angry wrath of my father.

 

“On the road.” 

 

“ _ Ravi said you spent the night at office!” _

 

_ “ _ Hn...I had works to do.”

 

“ _ I had told you to spend the nig-” _

 

And I deliberately pushed the horn.

 

“There are too much noise. I’ll call later,” hung up.

 

And then my mind whispered that final sentence

 

“ _ See you later then..” _

 

and also belled me of my misconduct for not even gazing at him before leaving. I exhaled a sigh of frustration. Making the choice of going back again to apologize for such a small mistake seemed too desperate to me but not doing anything seemed to prideful at the same time. When it is a situation like this, which one do you choose? For me….. I chose to ignore. Why? I don’t know. But there was one question that also ringed in my head. And it was nothing but a simple one word ‘ _ How?’ _

_ \--------------------------------------------------- _

 

Autumn, It was a time of the year where mother nature flashed brilliant colors before shedding coverings, revealing delicate, prone appendage, Encroaching cold,damp air encouraged the mightiest of oak, and maple to dig deeper into the dark of the earth. Leaves of red and yellow waved, some twisting free and some dancing to the ground.It was a sweet ballet performed every day until the last tree stood bare.

 

The long slumber taking hold of these mighty giants was just the beginning.  Soon, a great freeze would be upon them all. Winter was cruel, unforgiving, making the last bits of love received from Autumn all the more precious. That is why, I had the opinion of Autumn being the most romantic  of all season. The last climax of life, before slowly drifting back to sleep during the upcoming months of cold and ice.

 

_ Yes….Autumn was nice…. _

 

I sat on the bench of the park, letting my head sway back lazily listening to the birds chirping as the afternoon sun caressed me with its subtle warmth. Subtle.….that is the word to express how it felt,right? I wouldn't know though, I had always failed at expressing my emotions that well. 

 

_ Yet I color others…. _

 

A small sigh left my mouth and I felt the sunray getting blocked from touching my skin. I opened my eyes a crack and found my all familiar blonde once again today arching towards me.

 

“Lonely?” He bent down even closer, a little more and our nose might brush off each other.

 

A low laugh escaped my mouth, a deep sound. And he straightened himself, soon following me to the bench.

 

“Did he sit you up again?” his tone was filled with concern and I exhaled a deep breath.

 

“AGAIN?” My silence caused him to get the other idea and I quietly shook my head, smile still tingling on my lips.

 

“Ow...he came? That's great. How does he look? Is he rich?” a sly smirk spread across his features while his curious eyes observed my delightful one.

 

“It really doesn't matter…. Does it?” 

My hand slowly patting his head. he again gave me that weird look although his eyes follwed my hand’s movement.

 

“are you still not feeling good hyung?” His voice filled with concern and thus I broke off the contact. 

“Why would you say so?” My question filled with same amount of anxiety.

 

“You are behaving weird lately…” 

his voice slowly turned into whisper with each word.I again exhaled an exhausted breath. Was getting too annoyed by him finding my affection weird.

 

“Why are you here so early?” Hence I decided to change the subject.

“It's Sunday. I only had a meeting to attend, and I was done!” he looked at me happily, giggling every once in awhile. 

 

_ His giggles never fails to please me. _

 

I loved his smile and I sent him a wistful grin of my own. And after that, there was a temporary silence. Our eyes fixed on the brown dirt below our foot while the sun played peek a boo behind the white cotton like autumn clouds over our head.

 

“Winter is coming hyung…” came the coarse whisper. My head slowly bobbed up and down in approval. 

“How long will you stay here this time hyung?” His voice faded at the end. My eyes automatically shifting towards his direction.

 

“Why ask?” My eyebrows rose without me noticing.

 

“You seem sad this time….” A cold breeze passed by sending shivers down our spine. The sun was close to setting.

 

I blinked at him. Was I sad? Was it how I seemed to him? But how? Why? Question start to arise as my eyes filled with surprise looked at the nervous figure who hardly tried to avoid my gaze.

 

“It's only been a few days.” Sending him another wistful smile I stood up, getting ready to leave.

 

“Your friend……. What was his name?” I stopped. Looking at him over my shoulder i sent the sitting figure a perplexed look. Perplexed as to where he was going with this confusing topic.

 

He inhaled a deep breath that seemed so much desirable to him at that moment. And that worried stare of him changed into a smiley one as he flashed me one of his toothy smile. Almost placing small hops he passed me.

 

“Let's make something good for dinner, shall we?” His vividly childish desire perfectly visible in his tone, leaving the confused me standing behind.

 

Confused about why he would suddenly ask that... Perplexed by his question… and finally appalled by what thoughts might have crossed his mind back then. However it did not take long to catch his hint as I also stopped dead in my track when it hit mw.

 

_ Jung Taekwoon….and Jung Leo….. Jung..is that.. Coincidence…. _

 

But soon brushing that thought aside I stepped forward, not letting my mind being jammed by some baseless assumption, I followed my hopping dongsens trail.

 

_ That's absurd. Yes...Coincidence….only a coincidence... _

 

_ “ _ Will steak work?” I hollered and he strongly nodded in agreement, a cackle of amusement escaped my lips.

 

_ After all Taekwoonie had a color...Jung Leo didn't… Coincidence it is…. _


	5. Moonlight Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> moonlight walk

“Leo? Are you still here?” 

 

A sultry voice sliced through my thoughts and I looked up. Looking straight into her eyesmy head nodded in an uneasy motion. Her fingertip swirling on the edge of her coffee mug, as her eyes filled with an unknown kind of sorrow. Thinking this was the same lady a few days ago, trying desperately to get me into her bed surprised me greatly. I took another sip from my coffee.

 

“We have been going out for two weeks….. But you still haven’t said anything about yourself to me….neither have ever contacted me on your own accord,” her finger came to a halt while she darted her gaze away from me.

 

“Am I really not that appealing to you? Do I lack in beauty or style or anything?” 

 

This time Ipaused. I haven’t actually noticed what she had worn when she came to visit me, neither had I ever taken any notion of knowing what she was trying to do. What I did was what I was told to do by my father. And ‘ _ going out’  _ was an understatement that I agreed to use with her.

 

“Will you say anything?” her voice winced and I put down my coffee mug. According to father, there were a few rules I had to follow. Among them number one was  __

_ I was not suppose to make her cry.  _

It seems I had disobeyed rule number one because she seemed at the verge of crying. 

 

“Sophie-sshi, I-”

 

“It’s Sophie for you,” her voice was firm.

 

“Hm….”

 

_ Rule number two, she is valuable so treat her properly as to act according to her words. _

 

“Sophie-sshi, I do not have any interest in you,” I sternly said and her eyelids dropped.

 

_ Rule number three, never let her realize that you are there because of business purpose. _

 

“Why are you here then?” she whimpered.

 

“The same reason why you are here,” her weak already seemed hurt by my words-eyes looked straight into my icy black one.

 

“Business purpose…” And I took another sip of my coffee while she gulped at my words.

 

“We are both lambs to be sacrificed.”

 

She didn’t say anything after that, her gaze avoiding me the whole time she sat there. In case a drop of tear fall and she becomes the weaker party among us. I didn’t ask her anything either. All I did was drink my coffee silently and hoping her to finally give me the long desirable break that I had been waiting for. 

 

I looked out of the glass wall to the opposite side of the road. The middle aged lady on the second floor again poured dirty water on some passer by, and the teenage waitress kept on jumping around everywhere for orders. The scenarios never change. It has been the same for the past year. I looked down at the table and a few old memories flashed back, making me smile a little. 

I was always alone when I sat here before, this seat was always reserved for me. And sitting here with someone was out of my idea at a time. So when did it change?

 

My trails of thoughts drove me back two weeks ago when I first reserved this seat to meet the passport guy. Even his thoughts had me smiling and my mind started to wonder how he had been doing all these times.

 

_ Rule number four, return your cell phone and use the one that I give you. From now on you will only contact those that I allow you to. _

 

I lost my contacts. I wonder if he had ever tried to contact me after that day instead.

 

“Hyung, somebody is already seating here.”

 

A rather loud cheery voice shouted by my side to disrupt me from my own thoughts. I looked to that direction, finding an young man around or probably Younger than me with blonde hair yelling at the front door. Well, I suppose it was not only I who was observing him, but also all the eyes gawked at that man , after all maybe to his oblivion but he was loud which had troubled a few.

 

The young waitress came running towards him,

 

“Hello there! How are you?” 

 

The girl's voice that was filled with enthusiasm caught my eyes. It was rather rare to see her in that state. After all coming here this often all I managed to notice from her was that tired face that only filled with complains, and looked for someone to pour those troubled talkings into. Seeing her that excited had even by the slightest made me curious, that in my own subconcious I started prying on their words.

 

“Ah! Part timer! Long time no see! It seems you have a lot of customers today,”The jittery guy replied.

 

“Is teacher with you?” her voice sounding extra bright at the mention of teacher.

 

And the jittery man nodded while his head pointed at a man ordering food,wearing hoodie. To my own surprise, for an unknown reason I became curious to know about that person. I tried to find a reason for the unknown irrational behaviour of mine, and my gaze automatically diverted to the happy face of the the waitress.

 

_ Is it because of her? Why? _

 

“Shall we leave?” Sophie’s voice distracted me.

 

“Huh? Ow… you finished?” My voice sounded desperate as if I didn’t want her to finish.

 

_ Okay….my mind is again working on it’s own now…...great….. I need to see a doctor. _

 

“ There was nothing much to eat anyway. A coffee at-” she raised her hand to take a view of her watch, “ 6:39pm. So it is not that of a big deal to finish it so soon..” she sounded as if her voice could cut ice and her eyes could melt iron with the fire burning in them.

 

It would be a lie if I had said that her gaze had not startled me hence I again started to ponder about what I had done to enrage her this much.

 

“Perhaps I am too old for your taste. But be sure about one thing, your parents would not allow you to marry, or perhaps to date a teenage girl.”

 

And her stony tone made it pretty clear to me about what wrong she had just guessed about my intuition of looking at the waitress. I froze as too much perplexed to what should I do next. It was not as if her anger had any effect on me, neither fixing her mistake was of any value to me but I seemed to become troubled again for some  _ unknown reason. _

 

_ Shall I make an appointment to the doctor tomorrow or today… _

 

She stood up from her seat, eyes still fixed into mine, “I suppose you would be too busy in some work that you wouldn’t care about driving me home?” She sounded oblivious but was hell accurate. Therefore I remained silent. Now it was us who was the center of all the attention of all the pairs of eyes that belonged to  _ men  _ followed by the jealous look of ladies. The way she dressed in an elegant burgundy satin dress with an open back styling and sweeping full-length hemline was not something that was suited for a mere cafe. But she looked attractive while her face screamed wrath and that was all that the men around the area had to care for while I kept constantly biting the inside of my bottom lips. 

 

_ I hated that unwanted attention. _

 

“Well then, I wi-”

 

“He never said that he won't take you to your home, did he now?” A voice filled with elegancy flowed towards our direction as we both turned to look at him.

 

_ That voice...it’s not…. _

 

Taking the hoodie off of his head he flashed me a generous smile,

 

“We met again, Leo-sshi….”

 

And I just slowly nodded at his direction. That was all that my brain had told me to do.

  
  


\------------------------------------

 

“Who would you be?” the lady curtly asked as I slowly shifted my gaze upon her. Yes, no doubt she was an attractive one, and then my peek darted towards the fair figure sitting across her. Surely, I had no interest in  _ couple  _ things, but admiring what’s great is not something wrong to do, is it now? That’s what I did. I admired how those two looked all perfect together. 

 

“Just a normal kindergarten teacher.” the smile stretched, “An acquaintance, if you mean who I was to Leo-sshi.” 

 

“Ow,” she sent me a smile of her own bowing a little before me customarily, but I did not fail to notice how the smile never reached her eyes.

 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Sophie, Leo’s..” she inhaled an uneasy breath while her eyes searched for words to describe her current position. It didn’t take me that long to realize that she was the very same lady that I had heard the voice over phone a few days back. The difference was she seemed different from what I had imagined her to be.

 

“Girlfriend?” curiosity flickered in my tone, “You two look great together,” and I tried to make it sound trustworthy. Her eyes for a brief moment filled with joy while the other pair definitely did not enjoy my uninvited comment on their chemistry.

 

“Why does teacher know that scary ajusshi?” from behind I could hear the troubled voice of the teen, asking Ken who probably just shuddered at her words.

 

“Thank you,” she sounded genuine, “but he really doesn’t have any wish of driving me home.” And unknown sadness covered her stare.

 

“Well he has to,” While I sounded obvious. The quiet one finally found a word to say, “Why?”

 

Changing my direction at him I saw him frowning.

 

“It's quite a ruckus that you have created over here. All the eyes are still glaring at you. Now even for a fake courtesy you should do that.” and he didn’t take a split second to reply back,

 

“I don’t care about what people think.”

 

“Then care about what the workers here think. It seems that you are a regular here.” neither was I late to retort back. He just clicked his tongue at my remark and I let out a sigh.

 

“You know, they think you are scary and now you will also turn into a meanie.” I slowly whispered. He didn’t budge and for a moment there I was too sure that I was not in a place to fix this problem.  _ I don’t even wanna color him black….he truly is colorl- _

 

But the moment he stood up, looking out of the glass wall I realized maybe….maybe I wasn’t that out of place after all.

 

“Please sit here” he quietly said looking at the foods I had been holding in my arm for quite long. Then his gaze moved to her, “Shall we go?” and her ones widened at his word.

 

And the moment he stepped forward to pass by me, it felt as if time had suddenly became slower, I could even hear the faint sound of the second-hand of the watch ticking . He looked at me by the corner of his eyes and I felt a mysterious warmth in that cold black stare. My brain automatically searched through the black orbs, looking for an unknown missing piece of him that was kept hidden under that shell of black…

 

_ no …. Perhaps it was not black that I should use for him.  _

 

He wasn’t black. Black was those who acted fake, who hid themselves, who showed the pride of money and made model postures to hide the blankness inside of them, but I couldn’t choose that for him. In that one instant, my eyes refused to believe that for him while my mind screamed how he was everything else but blank. He was not black, his eyes had that warmth, that soothed me. And that warmth was hidden under that shell. That one unknown colored mask hid his true shade, and I felt the necessity of finding it. I had to….why though?

 

_ Answer simple…… my mind told me to.  _

 

He broke the eye contact and my mind returned back to reality. I suddenly felt a little lightheaded as to the reason I shut my eyes. My mind?what mind! I once again did something out of habit and it not only just surprised me but also shocked me. My brain felt paralyzed and I kept surfing through it to know why.

 

_ Maybe he is a magician… _

 

The teen and my dongsen chattered along while I took small bites from my cake to engross my brain to think what kind of game was it playing with me now. The cake always tasted good but today it felt like sponge against my tongue. When your mind is occupied with something you cannot actually think of enjoying any food even if it is your favourite.

 

My daze broke away when I felt the slight shook of my hand, looking up I saw both of them looking at me, eyes clouded with anxiety. I flashed them a grin while swaying my fringes back a little with my left hand, fork still held in my right hand. 

 

“Your purple hair shines so perfectly!” She squealed taking her fist closer to her mouth, her pink cheeks turning into bright red by passing time causing my dongsen to wink at me. 

 

I let out a chuckle.

 

“You seem to like my hair a bit too much.”

 

She bobbed his head up and down, trying hard not to let out another squeal. My grin spread,

 

“You are all red,teen.” and she removed her fist from its previous stance, stunned at my words.

 

“Teen? Do you not know my name teacher?’

 

“Huh?” I shrugged lightly. “Who knows?” and the grin turned into smirk. Ken was enjoying this play, as he quietly took sips from his smoothie.

 

“What is it?” She bent closer and I laid back on my chair a bit, facing the lady, looking at those color filled youthful eyes. 

“Jeongyeon... Yoo Jeong-yeon…” And her eyes lit up with bliss almost as if she would jump. And I cackled at her contentment. Ken didn’t miss the chance of teasing her at that time either as he gave her a slight tackle and she quickly covered her face with her hands and almost ran away from us to hide behind the counter lady.

 

“She is an interesting catch,” Ken stated placing his elbow on the edge of the table, chin resting on his palm, “And you are quite the playboy.” he winked and my eyes again darted to the transparent wall, ignoring his words. That scenario of my eyes meeting that icy cold black orbs of his kept on playing before me. And out of my own accord I happened to ask Ken a stupid question,

 

“If you were to color Jung Leo, that guy we met before, which one would you choose?” I tried no to show it but the gravity was clear, and I was sure Ken noticed as well.

 

“White,” he shrugged when our eyes met, “He reminds me of ice and snow.”

 

I again shifted my gaze to its previous fixation. The leaves of trees had started to fall. It seems winter was much more closer than I thought it was.

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

“Thanks for today,” the lady whispered, standing by my cardoor. I accelerated without looking.

 

“Are you…” her voice winced and I let out another uneasy breath.

“Are you perhaps interested in men romantically?” The low murmur didn't gi unheard by me since I was there only caring what she had to say then.

 

This time a sigh of incredulity escaped my mouth and I looked at her with tired eyes. Her wide expressive ones were anticipating an answer.

“More like tired of romance regardless of me-”

“You are going back to the cafe, are you not?” Not letting me finish,she again asked. My body gets strung by this strange tension , throat disturbingly tightening and even inhaling Oxygen seemed like a trouble that time.

The only little question that I managed to ask was, “why?”

 

She didn't reply, instead a small dry smile flashed across her tiny slender figure. The moon shone brightly and the light reflecting on her hair that the night breeze messed with made her look mysterious. Not denying that if it was someone else in my position,she would most probably be someone who could snatch the heart away from that someone with that beauty in a matter of moment. But, it was her loss, that the only man who saw her in that state was me, also in a very  _ wrong _ time.

 

“Good night.” The wheels rolled under my feet and from the rearview I saw that figure still rooted to the ground. It shouldn't matter, but somehow it did. For an obscure reason, it kinda mattered.

  
  


The cold night breeze passed by me as i leaned against my car outside of my old apartment. The cold wind accompanying the full moon gave away a chilly atmosphere. And not so surprisingly I had even sneezed twice, fully knowing I was about to catch a cold.

 

Looking at my watch I let out a slow yawn, it was almost 8:00pm but the area was already so quiet that it seemed as if it was past twelve at that time. My mind was already telling me to leave that place while heart kept on voting for staying there and meaninglessly wait for him. And since I needed to visit a doctor because my mind was not working properly, my heart easily won this stupid argument and I followed it's unreasonable intuition.

 

I stood for half an hour by my heart's content but then my mind finally poured some senses into me. Senses that was common to accept but I disagreed to accept.

 

_ Senses like he had already returned from the cafe and is now watching drama in his home. _

 

I gave up. 

 

Almost… 

 

Because the moment I tried to turn back was the time when his voice called out my name,

“Leo-sshi….” It was louder than his usual tone, being followed by the blonde.

 

“What are you doing here?” he strode towards me, hoodie covering that silky perfect purple hair of his.

 

_ Wah….now I even notice if a man have silky hair or not…...I truly need to see a doctor…. _

He paused before me, and his natural generous smile automatically arose on his lips. The blonde also stopped a few steps behind him, bowing his head as our eyes met. 

 

“I’ll wait for you at home then,” he whispered before leaving and he just tilted his head a little,probably in agreement of the other one’s proposal.

 

“What brings you here?” He continued and I rummaged through my brain to look for an answer. The amazing thing about my brain was that , it was working on it’s own when I did not want it to, but went on slumber when I needed it to work on its own for me. A slow grimace appeared on his face, plausibly figuring out how I had no answer to that question. 

 

“No reason? Or did you came to take the box that you left here?” his eyes had an unusual faint glimmer, that never failed to amaze me and l apparently again in a latent condition just nodded in agreement.

“There wasn’t much necessary stuffs in it though?” he whispered while his eyes looked at a distance to recall the objects in it.  

 

_ “ _ Wait here, I’ll bring it down!” he gleefully shouted as his hand pointed at his apartment building. 

“No need…” the words slipped, and he wiggled his eyebrow as if to ask me what was going on.

 

_ Like I knew….my mind is going crazy… _

 

“A walk perhaps…” I winced, “would be nice..” words slowly turning into low hush, and once again he tilted his head before bestowing upon another one of his blissful smile on me.

 

A walk perhaps was only just a walk, as the two figure only walked in silent as the coldness tried to grasp us tightly and the moonlight slowly lightened our way. I hunted for words but nothing came. I was never the talkative one and the one beside me just slowly enjoyed the dark lonely streets of seoul.

 

“Mapo bridge isn’t far from here, is it?” that was how our conversation started, and little did I know how it will once again make me regret my own choice. 

 

I nodded, giving him a perplexed look. In return he went on a stoppage,strong wind hit us causing his hoodie to fall down from his head.

“That’s my final goal after this.” His eyes stared at distance not particularly seemed focused at anything while I stood still trying to figure his reason for a feign smile.

 

“I’ve searched enough...” his voice broke at the last word, breathing slowly to stop himself from either tearing up or to prevent rage from taking all control of him or...or maybe both.

 

“It’s weird that I’m saying this to you right?” he asked and I slightly shook my head,

 

“I really love looking up at the night sky! The full moon amazes me and makes me smile whenever I see it!”

 

“Why?” My hoarse voice sounded so loud and I was also sure he clearly understood which question I was referring to at that moment.

 

I knew at that moment my question should be ‘ _ who’  _ rather than why but, for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to ask that question. Maybe it would sound too stereotyped to anyone but, at that moment I felt as if a part of me knew that answer, while the other part was scared of it.

 

_ Why scared though? He was just any normal stranger. It shouldn’t have mattered but yet it did, leaving the question ‘why?’ again hanging in my head. Scared to know that the person was someone else? Or scared to know that the person could have been…...i didn’t know. All I knew was that I was scared. _

 

“Because…” he looked straight into my eyes, they begged for attention, they begged for a hearing ear, they begged for…..answer…..

 

“I’ve searched everywhere and ….” I didn’t know when I had held my breath in,

 

“And…..that person never cared.” he whimpered. Some dark clouds hid the moon behind them, causing the darkness to shower upon us.

 

“Forget it. Why am I even bringing this upto you, I shouldn-”

 

“I can listen. I’m not a talking guy, but lending an ear isn’t that hard.”

 

And then I saw the smile that I had been waiting for. That graceful ear to ear grin that brightened up his tanned feature even in this sore darkness,

 

“He was my lifelong-” he paused before letting out a chuckle of disbelief, “he was my friend. My story might seemed childish to you.” he looked up at me, and I became sure how his eyes could not find any change of emotion in the motionless feature of mine.

 

“He went abroad when we were 12 you see” he shuddered in the coldness of night as he continued, “He was supposed to come back after 10 years. He promised that he would contact, but as you can guess he didn’t. So I keep on searching for him…” he chuckled, “waste of money you think?” his eyes held an obvious look which I replied by stucking my bottom lips out a little, he smiled, “ But this is the last stop…..seoul…..”

 

“Why do you wanna go to Mappo bridge then?” I firmly asked and that smile vanished from his feature and silence engrossed us.

 

“Finding him to know the answer of his betrayal is my only life purpose…” he sternly replied.

 

“Your story wasn’t childish…” I started moving, “You liked him?” voice tightening at this part. He let out another chuckle of incredulity, “Of course. He’s my friend. But if you are asking like that then  _ liking  _ don’t interest me.” he replied waving his hands in the air for exaggeration, and his feet slowly took steps to match my pace.

 

I smirked, “ Then your future plan is childish.” He paused, looking at his side to meet my eyes he rose his eyebrows.

 

“If you plan to go to mapo bridge for a man who didn’t even bothered to contact you, then it really is childish.” 

 

“Wah!” he let out a wheeze before continuing, “That’s the longest sentence you have said uptil now.” 

 

And I glared at him, “We were stranger uptil now.”

 

“And now we are what?” He asked blocking my path, bringing me to a halt.I let my eyes wander around a little, teeth lightly biting the inside of my bottom lips.

 

“Friend?” I murmured, “A friend that knows how to keep vows, so you can trust this Jung Leo and get rid of that thought,” and the nature again decided to turn my life into a drama for suddenly the cloud started to move away revealing the bright light of the moon that fell directly on me as I finished my sentence. 

 

His eyes widened ever so subtly, filled with surprise, sadness before a torch of peace crept in it. They softened when I gave him a small smile and his lips turned up to sent me one of his smile. This smile was subtle yet so nimble, making him look all fragile and vulnerable. And to my own instinct I pulled him into an embrace, letting his warm breath touch my bare neck. For some obscure reason my mind told me that he needed it, and my mind was right. He didn’t move back, neither did he returned the embrace. He just stood there, stiffed but what mattered most was that he didn’t pull back at that moment, right?

 

And I could imagine how he looked up to the night sky with all his affection, while the sky gazed down at him with all its beauty and perfection. Standing beneath the full moon, how a smile etched upon his face.For the sky, the mysterious night sky that held many secrets, and the moon that witnessed everything, it was obvious for him to smile.

 

I broke away from the embrace and my gaze on its own fell on his lips, where that discreet smile still kept on lingering on his face.

 

“The moon might be jealous.” I murmured under my breath and he softly whispered, “For what?” curiosity glimmering in his eyes. I sent him a silent smirk, and he didn’t bother asking me twice as we again started our return journey. Looking up at the sky to see the bright moon frowning upon us.

 

_ Frown…...The moon,the stars and the clouds frowned because they knew that they are not the reason why you are smiling tonight. _

 

I looked at my side to explore another rare messy yet beautiful side of him as the wind messed his perfect purple hair to exemplify the beauty of his graceful smile. My smile lengthened.

 

_ Jealous…. As to know that the reason is someone else…... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'd be good to get at least one comment on this story. :/


	6. A fateful night

“And then the boss said that it was  _ my _ fault that we lost the client.”

 

My eyes observed the enraged blonde’s grip tightening around his glass of coke, while he muttered a string of incoherent profanities. 

 

The waitress, by her nature kept on passing by my table, but today rather wearing a shocked look on her faces, as she glanced at my friend each minute. Her color was changing, the rainbow of colors was slowly merging together, I was seeing it. 

Every week. 

Everyday. 

Every moment as she matured.

How the little lilac in her spreaded, vanishing other shades near it, the large amount of white around her slowly turned into little snowflake fleeing across her feature. How soon the colors collided and the shade of mauve surrounded her. 

Yes.

That was her color. She was certainly the one to make the best choices. 

 

_ How fitting they were… _

 

Yes. They. 

They, as I watched the mauve attracting the aqua before me. Their strands connect. And when they do the color…..

 

“I am gonna change my branch again!” 

 

My trails of thoughts broke, and I again focused on the blonde. A crack ran down the glass.

 

“No way in hell am i going to keep on working under him!”

 

“No way in hell am I paying for that,” my eyes straight locked into his. He blinked a few times before looking down at the crack. And then started the panic talkings. I exhaled a long sigh and looked away from him. Mind wandering on its own.

 

_ He was again late. _

 

The time ticked down, and soon the cafe was well-high vacant. Ken yawned a few times, rubbing the daylights out of his eyes. He looked cute when he did that. Cute. Adorable.

 

“I’ll take my leave now,” he said grabbing his blazer in his hand, other hand still rubbing one of his eyes. 

 

“Meet you at home,” he offered me a tired smile which I nodded to in acknowledgement.

 

After that, I ordered two new variety of cakes, just to keep myself away from boredom. And it was already 9:00pm, the closing time of this cafe. No way I could keep on sitting there now, could I?

 

The coldness of autumn night greeted me, as I took my first step out of the cafe. Turning right, I saw a certain car parking a few steps away from the cafe, at the time when the cafe was getting closed.

 

_ A certain car it is . _

 

And the person getting out of the car was also most accurately certain as well. He got out in a rush, but his pace slowed as he reached close to me. My cautious eyes gave away my question, which he returned with an apologetic bow.

 

“It certainly is the very time when you feel to meet me….isn’t it...Jung-sshi?” My voice filled with amusement caught his eyes that filled with guilt. The coldness brushed both of us, while he flashed me something that could well considered to be a smile.

 

“What was it today?” I asked imploringly, feigning a look of not-being-interested. My pace slowly matching his, eyes amusingly staring at the difference in our shadow. 

 

“ Sophie..” 

 

I nodded. It wasn't as if the first time he did that in this past three weeks, neither for the first time was Sophie the reason. It never bothered me. But there was one question that kept bugging me, and I just somehow let it out.

 

“Why don't you call me that you'd be late?” 

 

He paused. Waiting for a while he again started taking steps, pace a little faster than before.

 

“You are allowed to leave if you like.”

 

_ I suppose I was….why didn't I then? _

 

He hid something. I smelled it, but ignored. The path was getting shorter, so was I getting more tired. There was no point in dragging the matter any further. After all it was him who demanded to meet everyday anyway.

\-------------------------------

 

The Sunday morning has somehow turned into my favorite time throughout the whole week. 

 

My daily alarm never woke me up after my fateful meeting with the kindergarten teacher. At first my brain used to look for answer, then my heart stopped me from it. Telling me that it was okay to finally have a change. 

 

So I allowed the change, I allowed that memory to get out of my head. That want of seeing that face got replaced by a new adoring wish. 

 

A wish of meeting him.

 

“Wake up,” my mother cooed as her hands habitually combed through my hair.She has somehow turned into my newest alarm. I flashed her a small smile, before snugging my face again back into the pillow.

 

“It's Sunday,” mother whispered. 

 

“I know,” so did I.

 

The next chapters of my day was very normal. Getting up, washing myself , then getting ready to meet him. It was the only day of the week when we could do some talking while sitting somewhere for hours rather than walking on the street to his house.

 

_ Sunday really was a happy day.. _

 

I unknowingly hummed my way to the front door of my house, and walked towards the garage. To my oblivious shock, I found no car in there. 

 

My questioning eyes demanded an answer to the guard, who lowered his eyes to say

The deflating answer to me,

 

“you are not allowed to go out today.”

 

I rushed to my mother, face probably red in high, I froze before her. She sat there with father on the couch, sipping coffee from her cup, sheepishly.

 

“What is going on?” No courtesy to hide my anger I shot the question towards them.

 

Father peered through the smoke of the hot coffee, then slowly putting the mug down on the coffee table before him.

 

“What?” He asked curtly.

 

_ As if he didn't know already. _

 

I flinched but controlled my fury. As calmly as I could I replied to his question.

 

“Why can I not go out?”

 

“Ow that! Your birthday is in two days.” 

 

Leo looked at him suspiciously as the smile on his father's face looked like plastic. 

 

“And the marriage will be held on two weeks after that, so we need to-”

 

“Marriage?” Leo sputtered.

 

“Yes… You with Han Sophie. You both have been going out for a month and there is no objection from the Han family as well. So it was better to get it done as soon as possible.”

 

My eyes widened with each words, my ground as if started to crack under my feet, perhaps falling in the depth of the ground would have been better. I searched for words to say, but my brain failed me and I stared at my parents who shared amused looks amongst themselves.

 

“Owh!” My mother snapped, holding my old phone he walked before me. I sent a blank stare at her. 

 

Suddenly all the energy in my body had left me, as if my body was using it to still keep me on my feet, standing.

 

“Invite all of your friends. We would want a huge party, later we can list out the relatives.” She flashed me a smile. 

 

The decision was already made. I had no option of denying to it whatsoever.

 

_ And with that one smile I realized that my world was falling apart and I…. _

 

_ I failed to preserve it. _

 

Sophie came by once, wearing a black dress. It was very first time she had visited my house, ny room. I was surrounded by black. Her silky straight hair messed up even in a worst condition than mine. 

 

She at first just stood before me, my eyes fixed at nowhere. I didn't look up at her, I didn't want to. Part of mine felt as if it was all her fault and part of mine said half was mine. All she did was handing me a dark wedding card, probably a demo to the design of the original one. I lifted my hand slowly, no energy left in that body to even grab it probably, my hand stuttered, and I had no wish to see what was written on it either.

 

_ I liked the color...dark….just like my life…  _

 

After that ….after that she had complained a lot, I had not hear them. 

 

No...that would be detrimental to say. 

 

I heard them but could not register them. They seemed like frustrated lecture, while she rummaged through my clothes. Throwing them here and there on my bed. I hadn't look back.

 

It was chaotic and muddlesome.

 

All had I known that was she was the one who had dragged me to bed, the one that initiated the moves, then the part of her being frustrated went beyond my comprehension. I just sat on my bed, before my dresser, knees up to my chest , arms hugging them tightly, while I buried my face in those. To hide myself from all the attention. From all the lights of the world. 

 

I did not realized how long was I in that state. Because by the time I returned to a little sense of mine, I had not find any lady there. Rather I heard something that was quite unhealthy for both my physical and mental health.

 

“Why are you sitting there as if you have been sentenced to death?” 

 

His manly voice hit my eardrums. Each words felt like poison, and I wished I could devour it to finally put an end to my misery.

 

“The funny part is you are a  _ man _ . I could have Understood if you were a lady and your parents were FORCEFULLY marrying you off. But you are a healthy young fine man. Snap out of it!” 

 

_ This little imbicle…..Maybe I should charge him for gender discrimination…. _

 

_ “ _ And what is this black aura around you? Black cloth, black dress, black hair covering your face, black wedding card (?) and you are sitting here, burying your face. Speaking of dress... What are you wearing? Pajama? Doesn't seem like it?” 

 

I sweared to God, that one day it would be me who would seal that mouth of him. Because,replying to his stupid questions were the easy part while Ignoring was the tough task.

 

Maybe to put an end to my misery of listening to his nonsensical blabbers my phone started to ring. I peered at the screen. 

 

The name flashed on it hit me hard. While thinking of my own concern,I happened to forget how I was supposed to meet him in the morning. And it was a few hours away from midnight now. A small fear grasped me, and my hand automatically gripping onto my clothes. 

 

The ring ended. Only to be followed by another call, from the same person.

 

“Passport guy? He still bugs you?” Ravi said, taking the phone in his hand,

 

“Want me to sc-”

 

“Tell him my condition,” my voice hardly a coarse whisper.

 

“Huh?”

 

“My wedding...tell him..” I sounded desperate. Maybe that blue fool understood how severe my wish was, he nodded his head, slowly putting the phone on loudspeaker, eyes locked into mine.

 

“hello..”

 

_ “ You know Leo-sshi, it's not always fun to keep on waiting for someone from the dawn to dusk, also when that someone does not have any courtesy to instruct me on how he would be not be able to arive on the deciding time, or not appear at all,” _ his voice was firm, bordering on being angry.

 

I could imagine his face- it was most probably marred by the conflicting emotions he was feeling. Part of him telling him how I must have had a strong reason to stand him up, while other part of him demanded explanation.

 

A small sigh followed,

 

“ _ Can you please at least bother to tell me if you are on the street or not?” _

 

I looked over at Ravi. The startled prince squinted at the screen, as if he as well was waiting for an answer that  _ SIRI _ might as well reply on his behalf.

 

My leg slowly kicked him, and he snapped out of his daze. Rubbing the spot where he got kicked he finally replied, voice ever so deep.

 

“Um. Leo hyung had appointment to attend to?”

 

I sent him a death glare for lying, and he shrugged in return. A small pause from the other side.

 

“ _ And you might be?” _

 

_ “I’m his cousin, Kim Ravi…. Well there's one thing you need to know…” _

 

_ “What?”  _ His voice still so strong.

 

_ “Its not an appointment actually… he was forbidden to go out today.” _

 

_ “Why?”  _ His voice was small clearly reflecting the confusion in his eyes _. _

 

_ “ _ You see _ ,” _

Ravi paused. Inhaling enough Oxygen that he seemed to need so much, he continued “You might find it funny, but he is getting married, or engaged after two days on his birthday so he is here sitting around and **sulking** on his bed,” Ravi replied narrowing his eyes at me _._

 

Another small yet soft sigh from him. Then shocking us to our death he screeched,

 

“ _ You little! I know you are listening to me! You were not allowed to come, then couldn't you call me! Do you know how hard it is to stand at a park for eight whole hours! One SIMPLE call! That's all it took! You couldn't! Now you are telling me that you are sulking because you are getting married?! Really?? Should I feel bad about it? Do you want me to feel bad about it?! You deserve it Jung Leo!” _

Then a loud exhale. We blinked at the phone with unreadable expression across our face as the latter kept on screaming that from the other side of the phone in one single breath.

 

“ _ Did he hear it?” His voice back to his usual affectionate tone. _

 

_ “ _ Clearly,’ the fool announced.

 

After that his voice went silent on the other side, and once again I could not understand what was going on in his mind.

 

“ _ Am I gonna be invited? His birthday party… can I come?”  _ His voice was quiet, yet held a little hopeful edge in it _.  _

 

Ravi looked up, asking for my answer. From my side it was nothing but a silent single nod.

 

“Yes… I’ll send out the invitation.” 

 

“ _ Good...Leo!” _

 

I flinched. Strangely he had the power in his tone to control my mind, which even I had lost, lord knows when.

 

“ _ its your happy day. Don't be sad.. I'll meet you on your birthday. Fighting!” _

 

His final words hit me like a sledgehammer, blood pounded. I didn't understand why. All he said was wishing me luck, telling me to hang in there. And that was the most normal thing for any man to say at that moment, wasn't it?

 

But my intellect refused to believe that. It wanted to hear something more, and my eyes did not betrayed to show that longing. Ravi gaped at me with sheer confusion sparkling in his eyes. I ignored him to bury my face again back to my knees, arms hugging them tightly.

 

“You okay?”

 

_ I wasn't…  _

 

There was a slight pain somewhere in my chest that kept on notifying me of my unwell being. Could doctors fix it? Perhaps medicine? Or perhaps electric shock…. Was there anyway to get rid of that pain. 

 

_ I doubted… _

 

Yet I nodded. My head told me to scream out the truth to him, perhaps he were to help. But I couldn't. I refused to. This was the very time I had controlled my mind, while his words kept on playing on my mind. 

Yes.. 

 

_ fighting _ …

 

Because I had to do it. 

 

Because all that I thought of him uptil now could have been a mistake…..a mistake from my side.

 

I might have mistaken his generosity of waiting to meet me even after hours, as yearning. I might have mistaken his habit of flashing those zestful smile across his feature by seeing me, as a stranger perhaps a friend, as a pleasure to come across me. 

 

It was always just me.. But even on that account, I also was unaware of what I thought of him. What was he in my life? A mere stranger of a month. 

Yes that was it. 

The same amount of time that I had known Sophie for. In fact, I had seen Sophie more than him....Over that he was a  _ man _ .... 

 

_ Yet why _ ? 

 

Why did I suddenly feel faint? Why did my heart clenched in pain at his cheer? Why did tears prick at my eyes?What had I taken him as?

 

_ What was I expecting him to say? _

 

The thoughts soon escalated, making the tear welling up too much to hold it in anymore. 

 

“Hyung do you hate Sophie that much?” Ravi’s whisper made me lift my head up.

 

“No,” my voice was low in contrast, perhaps calling it inaudible was not wrong, while my eyes red, no longer had the energy to keep the tears in. Even though I stopped. 

I managed to stop my sobs, I managed to stop the flow of tears. I managed to bring my mind under control.

 

“you were cr-”

 

_ No one could make me feel the way he had. _

 

“Order the wedding bands..” my voice winced.

 

_ So it was better to choose anyone to spend the rest of my life... _

 

_ … _

 

“I would prefer gold..”

 

_ Or I’ll end up burdening him by wanting to meet him, again and again, making him wait forever like today. _

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Bring a paper and pen. We need to make a list of guests.”

 

_ But hope he remembers that it's a lie that I am agreeing to. A lie to free him from the shackle that I hold. _

 

“Put his name as the first. He  _ must _ come.”

 

_ A lie to let him live happily…. Perhaps becoming a beautiful liar for him. _

 

Ravi stopped writing, looking straight into my  eyes. I locked my icy one with his stony gaze. His eyes seemed surprisingly caring, for someone who had no idea of what was going underneath the fair integument of mine. He was rather empathetic. 

 

“You are lying,” his voice meek, but the concern flickered.

 

“No..”

 

“Then why is your tear again rolling down again, hyung?”

 

I raised my hand, to find out tears coursing down on my already tear stained cheeks, disarray again took over my senses..

 

_ But I took control over my mind….. _

 

“You don't want him to come…. I’ll tell him.” 

 

Ravi took my phone in his hand and I tried to take it away from me. After quite a rumble-jumble I managed to finally snatch it back from his hand. While my eyes pleaded to his dark chocolate orbs. I didn't know what I was pleading for but I felt hopeless. He gave me a look of incredulity.

 

“You are a coward hyung…”

 

His words hit me like a 500 kilos stone, making my eyes widened at his statement. Smile along with tears might have quite made my face look like a clown at that time. This was the first time I ever engulfed him in an embrace. He went stiff.

 

_ Everyone I hugged had always become stiff. _

 

Then the tears fell. I didn't bother to stop myself. I let the tears course down, the loud sobs filedl the air. I didn't know...no I  _ knew  _ but I failed to understand the reason. 

 

However, I was also damn sure of myself not being the only confused one. The blue haired one slowly patted on my back. His arbitrary calming sentence for once felt like antidote to me. Then words came out of my mouth so naturally, before I could even entertain the thought of filtering them as I whispered through my heavy sobbs,

 

“ Ravi-ya~.... I became a cowardly liar..”

 

Ravi didn't change any pace of his slow pat,he still continued to do what he was doing before till I actually fell to sleep like a little toddler whining to her mother for ice cream, but eventually the energy drained out of his body and his mother would slowly put him to sleep. Ravi became my mother for that time….

 

Or in other word, he became the shelter that my mother could never have become.

 

\---------------------------------

 

“Why are you getting all ready,hyung?” the droll overly sensitive voice belonged to none other than my adorable little dongsen, Ken.

I gazed at my dongsen with immense pleasure.

 

_ Today was...after all a happy day… _

 

“A birthday or engagement party.” I shrugged, “I dunno which one was I invited to.”

 

“Only you? What about me?” He looked tearfully at his friend, lower lip protruding somewhat cutely from his mouth.

 

“Well... Your name.. I don't think he knows your name to invite you,” my hands slowly fidgeting with the invitation cards. 

Two came in. 

One was white, one was dark. The white one contained birthday invitation while the dark one was of wedding, with a white ribbon wrapped around it.

 

“You can come with me if you want to! I’ll inform them,” voice a little louder than usual I tried to confront him.

 

“Forget it!” He snorted, “i’ll buy myself a rich platter to appease myself, just you see. And I’ll call the waiter girl as well! You would be the only one left then,”he sputtered. It was slow and a bit measured. Gloomy. Adorable.

 

“Then MAY the strands connect today,” I smiled only to show how affable lovable I truly am.

 

His eyes that showed a great amount of childish confusion in it, squinted hard at me while I tucked the front side of my long sleeve black dress in my pants. My new black jeans with my new hair color casually gave me a stunning look, as my wistful eyes kept on complimenting the perfect slender figure of mine.

 

Although the teen did not like my new color, for she asked if moss had grew on my hair or not. But I liked it. I wanted a complete new look to visit the rich high class birthday party of him.

 

Classical jazz music swimming languidly in the air,as guests gradually arrived through the grand entrance of the banquet hall, feeling in their respective seats as ushers showed it to them. The decoration was themed in gold and off-white, lending touch of Elegance and warmth to the atmosphere, especially with the lighting dimmed.

 

My eyes stared around, I say surprisingly in a very well seat, absolutely opposite from the stage, where I could observe every being from. Especially the one that stood in the middle of the hall. A bright smile flashed across my feature, I probably looked as if I did not belong to that party, after all I was just a mere teacher in the crowd of businessman.

 

It was not late when I saw one of the prime figure of today’s party. She was dressed in a sleeveless champagne gold gown with an irregular sheer gold chiffon hem at the bottom of the skirt. Playing a tasteful and elegant peek-a-boo with the creamy satin. 

 

Her eyes subtly widened to see my presence, Which I replied with an amused smile. She gracefully walked towards me, eyes fixed into mine.

 

“It is a surprise to see you here….teacher?”

 

An amused chuckle left my lips, eyes still locked into her.

 

“It is my friend’s engagement after all..” 

 

Her eyes again filled with surprised she murmured under her breath,

 

“You already know?”

 

I nodded. Her constant shocking gaze at my words were getting a bit common to react to any more.

 

“ Yet you are okay? You did not try to stop him?” She purred.

 

I raised an eye in confusion, her words were confusing. Perhaps my face gave my emotions away, as she broke our eye contact. Her eyes searching for her soon to be other half…..other half….maybe I couldn't tell….. After all the other one did not obtain any shades for me to guess.

 

“He would be here in a moment. Perhaps he is with his father… I will inform him of your arrival,” he flashed me a dry smile. I stared at her, the smile still lingering on my face, but only waiting to be faded out. For some unknown reason my guts screamed at me that this very night was about to turn into a fateful night that I would not forget in my lifetime.

 

It was after thirty or more minutes I saw the birthday boy walking through the entrance. Next to him I saw a man in his fifty, probably his father beaming with pride. For some strange reason I felt as if I had seen that man before.

 

There was a stage prepared for the four layered chocolate cake, with a silly candle reading ”27” burning on it. The lighting dimmed out even more, I saw some boys probably around his age and younger than him standing behind him with cheap party poppers. All of the guests stood up deliberately, waiting for the birthday boy to blow his candle and cut the cake. For a birthday party, it was rather quiet controlled I thought.

 

But then again, little did I knew about how rich please worked.

 

The birthday boy rather looked stern than to be happy. His eyes wandered around looking at all the happy pairs of eyes surrounding him, as if searching for one. Then he halted.

 

The dim fire of the candle on the cake casted flickering shadows on his face, as he locked his dark icy orbs with mine. My smile stretched, hoping he would flash one of his own like he always used to. 

 

But he didn't. 

 

Rather his eyes overshadowed by an unknown sorrow, he parted his gaze away. Wandering indignantly but deliberately avoiding mine. 

 

I stood there appalled. The birthday boy blew out the candle and the ones behind him pulled the string of those party poppers. The blue haired one seemed most excited to do such a job, while Leo gave him an annoyed stare. There was tumultuous applause and cheering again, which the birthday boy rather found irritating.

 

Then loud raucous filled the air, all the happy gossips and smiley faces congratulated the birthday boy, who was the only one with a sad grin painted on his feature. Sophie stood by his side, wearing that one fake smile. Almost as if she was forced to do that as well.

  
  


I walked towards him, pace slower than usual, flashing an ear to ear grin at him, but even his feign smile slowly vanished. It was weird, because the lady did not bother to keep on that fake smile on her face either. They both gave me stony looks, eyes sparkling with amusement. 

 

To my oblivion a low giggle left my lips albeit the smile had little strained.

 

“Looking at you two it rather seems like a funeral than birthday.”

 

They didn't flinch at my sentence, the icy stares still boring into me. The uneasiness ushered me and I sent them another uneasy giggle, this time a bit low in tone.

 

“Am I missing something in the picture here? What's wrong?”

 

“Nothing….” That was the first answer he gave. Emotionless. Stony. Icy. Cold.

 

“Thanks for coming, “ the gratuity was missing, “hope you will enjoy.” 

 

He turned around, not even bothering to wait for my answer, he strode away, leaving me hanging with a single thread of confusion. The look on Sophie's face just replied how wrong Everything was. And I felt like confronting her, trying to reason with her about his cold behavior, but it should be the other way around right?

 

_ I was the guest today... _

 

I didn't know. All I knew that I felt an arbitrary guilt building inside of me, telling me how it might have been a mistake to come here after all. 

 

_ I really miss the dinner with Ken and the Teen now. _

 

Then again that dim lighting filled the room, and music flowed to my ears. The natural smile that always danced on my face, shortened with time passing by. I looked next to my table, where Leo and Sophie sat with elders surrounding them. Perhaps their parents. There was that man and a lady sitting beside Leo, they seemed strikingly so familiar. I couldn't tell...But not that I wanted to. Because looking over to my table I once again realized…

 

I was  _ alone.  _

 

I did not know anybody. And the one that I knew, had gave me a cold shoulder. The cheers and gossip of people made me wonder what I was even doing there.

 

“Now then, may I have your attention?” the elder man on Leo’s side from before, stood on the stage. 

 

“I am really happy that all of you have came to visit our little party today. It has been an amazing year with its ups and downs. However there was happy days in my life this year. And today is the happiest day of all as my dear one and only loyal son turned into 27 of today. So, Here's to my son’s happy life and the bright future that is yet to come.”

 

A toast and the man continued with his speech.

 

“Now I have a second piece of good news to share with all of you. Today marks a day of double happiness for my family. So I would like to take this excellent opportunity to announce..” 

 

His father said dramatically as he slowly extended his hand towards my next table. Bright smile lit on everyone's features. So many colors, so many shades where he sat, different from all. Without any color, without any smile, without any……

 

I started standing up, soon the people around my table followed my lead. The whole room stood up other than two specific human being. He slowly looked over his shoulder to look at me through the corner of his eyes. His lips slightly parted , incredulity evident in his black orbs, my lips slowly took an upturn, almost to assure him everything was fine, while my hand held high over my torso, getting ready to clap.

 

“ The engagement of Ms. Han Sophie to my own son, Jung Taekwoon.”

 

Thunderous applause filled the room when my hands stopped in the midway. 

 

_ Jung... Taekwoon…. _

 

Surely all the pieces fell together. I knew those two elders. Of course I did. They were after all  _ his parents. _

 

_ The parents of jung Taekwoon…. _

 

My eyes wandered a bit. Trying to see if there was any other eyes on me or not.Did anyone notice how my hands never clasped into each other? Did anyone notice how the smile on my face got overshadowed by the immeasurable hurt and accusation swimming in my eyes? Did anyone notice the tears clouding my vision?

 

_ Did he notice? _

 

I continued looking straight into his eyes, the music seemed to die in that moment. Time froze.

 

I looked at his shocked stare, lips upturned in stupor , arm locked with the one beside him, while he slowly stood up. I gasped for air , a low chuckle leaving my lips, I refused to blink. I refused for the tear to stream down. 

 

_ No….. Not in front of him _ . 

 

His teeth slowly biting his lower lip, he focused his eyes all on me. The thunderous applause started to die down, perplexed as to what was going on. I lowered my arms, letting my body settle through this high tension. 

 

My voice trembled, but I needed to say it, I needed to keep myself strong. After all this was the high time that I had waited for uptil now.

 

“Jung Taekwoon..” my voice choked with tears, but nonetheless coherent.

 

He flinched. Low whispers filled across the room, credibly talking about the shocked glances changed between us. I didn't care. And rather to my own amuse I found myself for the first time ….unable to smile. 

 

“May we have a talk after this  _ happy _ occasion of yours?”

 

His eyes slightly wide, a jolt of question glimmering in them. That questionable gaze just increased the rage on my side. My jaw tightening, I slowly murmured, softly, but the edge of sharpness vividly flashing across my tone,

 

“I believe we have a lot to catch up on….”


	7. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well....I'm just trying to get it finished... so hope you will understand whatever rubbish that I tried to show.....

The loud cheer was always too annoying for me to find any importance of it. And today, the irritation was multiplied.

 

The deafening applause after the announcement of my father, finally calmed down a bit, while I bowed my head before the guests rather unwillingly. My body hardly resisting the urge of not running out of this banquet hall to meet the person standing outside. 

 

 _Yes, he did not even wait for_ _this so called_ ** _happy_** _occasion to come to an end._

 

The moment of announcement brought clouds of darkness in his eyes, I could see it well, but could not grasp the thought behind, I could never see what was going on in his mind. I wanted to know it.

 

_ After all, it was I who was hurt by his words.. Not him... _

 

Unknowingly I took a step ahead, stopping by a sudden tug. I turned around, Sophie was standing with her head down, fringes hiding her eyes. She had been doing that lately. No talk, just tugging onto my clothes, then letting go. 

 

_ It was annoying. _

 

Then I didn't repel that unwanted silence. It was better than that sultry voice of her. 

 

Small breathing on her part, she looked up, hand still tightening her tug on my white suite. I stiffened up, looking at her. Light giggles from my cousins to see us did not go unheard. A full Ten seconds passed by. Her lips finally parting a little.

 

“Are you going to him?” voice breathy. No movement on my side.

 

“He does not feel anything special for you Leo…. It's his nature to be friendly…..sweet…. affectionate…”

 

_ Did I want him to feel something for me? And his nature….Like I already had not figured it out. _

 

But I remained silent, waiting for her to finish.She inhaled a deep breath, hands slowly letting go of me.

 

“This is your final chance,” a low whisper.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“If you are really going to walk away from here then make sure that you can return in with him.” she said quietly, voice still breathy.

 

“Or else there is no going back for you, you should kn-”

 

“Are you threatening me?”words left my mouth, before she could finish hers. A soft sigh left her lips.

 

“No….. I’m reminding you that this will be the only chance you will get before you are officially bounded with me…. if not mentally or romantically…” her whispers was a stark contrast to the raucous laughter that filled the hall. While I yet once again looked upon her with disgust.

 

_ Not was she annoying now but also confusing…..what did she want actually? _

 

I pried my hands away from her, breaking the eye contact I walked towards the exit. I p shoved the doors open.And as they closed behind me, then began my fateful night. The night  that in my own oblivion, had once  longed to shun…..I longed to escape….

 

The darkness of night greeted me only with coldness, even the bright moon that splattered its motherly soothing silver light seemed daringly pale at that moment. And my eyes caught him. He stood there, firm, eyes filled with betrayal and pain. My pace slow, I walked forward. 

 

If the inside of the luxurious banquet hall was filled with deafening raucous then the outside was ensued with oppressed silence. I walked light footed, trying hard not to disturb this unwelcoming quietness. 

 

I stopped before him. His breathing were unusual and short, I could tell even by standing this away from him. 

 

“Was it fun?” He hissed through his clenched teeth. My expression remained unchanged.

 

“Which part did you enjoy the most? Seeing me still searching for you after 15 years?” His voice thick from the unshed tears, yet he held strong, while I, shocked at his words left unchanged. His words really was going over my head, but yet a part of me stopped me from protesting. It somehow told me that whatever the latter was saying, was not something to be stopped from being said.

 

“Or was it pretending to be my friend, lending me a listening ear or…” he winced,

“Proving to me that I would still wait for you even it was for at least one hour EVERYDAY without even knowing that it was  _ you _ .” 

  
  


_ What?...No…. _

 

I wanted to shout out that he was wrong, but I couldn't. My lips as if were glued together, promising not to move even if someone were to shove a dagger in me at that very moment.

 

A low chuckle from his side, and a silent exhale from mine.

 

“It's really funny how you _ yet _ managed to make me wait even after you came before me when I didn't even  _ know _ it was  _ you _ ... How could I...ow lord!” his eyes glassy with disbelief, I looked into it. There was no lie in it, no. 

 

Nothing seemed like a lie to me, my mind froze. 

 

_ But it had to be… _

 

Unable to think or move or register the words that escaped the latter's mouth. I just stood there, as if I were to considered to be a block of wood rather than a living human being. 

 

“Why?” He asked...no ….ask would be too much of a strong word to express his question. He begged to know the answer. The answer that I did not know of... Did I?

 

“I feel like you’ve mistaken me as someone else…” I announced rather emotionlessly. It was not as if I had wanted to act as a brick wall but, I rather found the capability of understanding how to react to this confusing accusation missing within me. So what expression were I to show him at that moment?

 

“Mistake?” 

“yes, perhaps it could have been a mistake. I don't understand anything that you are saying,” my eyes automatically darting to somewhere far.

“Stop lying…,” he cried, “are your parents a mistake too? Did you have a dead twin brother?” Striding towards me he held me by my shoulders, a little too roughly, eyes fixed on me.

 

“Look at me Jung Taekwoon!” he ordered, and so did I did. I looked into his eyes, they were a light shade of red. My eyes wide open from the shock of his sudden strong hold, I had never imagined that latter to actually have that much strength neither have I ever expected him to be capable of being this much angry.

 

His eyes almost narrowed to a slit. His eyes held millions of questions in it, as if each question would cost him an organ of his own...but the questions soon got replaced by a mysterious confusion, his grip loosened on me, but not letting go. 

 

“Do you not….” He winced, “remember me?” His voice barely above a whisper.

 

I contemplated it for a moment before finally deciding to reply it. 

 

“N-sshi…. I know you are N.”

 

“No..”he whimpered, shaking his head lightly, eyelids looking rather burdened to keep it open.

 

“No...not that.. Do you not know my real name? Do you not recognize me?”

 

I gulped, biting my lower lip. Too perplexed as to what I was supposed to answer to his question. I had never ever considered the fact of his name being a fake one. How could I not have asked that? It was a basic knowledge to understand that his name was not a real name to use, yet I had never asked it before. 

 

_ But then, I know that he also knew very well how I had no idea about it. Yet he asked. _

And his eyes held the belief of me knowing those answers so deeply that I again became bewildered at his query.

 

The only thing that I had managed to do after giving it serious thought for a while was to just shake my head a little lightly, his grips again tightening ever so lightly around me.

 

“You are not serious..are you?” A drop of tear fell from his left eye. 

 

I looked at his lips that trembled to find words to say next, eyes that quivered to find the lie in my icy stare. At this point, my common question should have been what he was talking about. But my question rather reformed on its own before leaving my lips slowly,

 

“What should I know of?”

 

Another two drops of his tears rolled down on his cheeks, and he whispered almost inaudibly,

 

“What happened to you in these past 15 years?”

 

“W-what?” my eyes widened to its maximum.

The timing that he announced had struck me like a bolt from the sky. He gave me a strong jerk, before his next question,

 

“Where is your color Taekwoonie?! You said you could see people's color! Then how could you say you don't know me?”

 

He kept on shaking me by my shoulders, when his words almost felt as if they were daggers that someone had shoveled inside of my heart slowly. My dreams started to play in my mind.

 

_ What is the color of our relationship Taekwoonie? _

_ Can you really see the colors of human? _

_ A dream of 15 years… _

_. _

_. _

_ Could I still say that his words made no sense to me whatsoever? _

 

It did make sense. It made more sense then it ever could. He was the one. He really was the one that I have dreamt of uptil now. But...who was he? What was his name?

 

He slowly released my shoulders. There were no drops of tears now. He dissolved in heavy sobs while his slender frame shook incoherently. His arms gracefully wrapping around my waist. A faint warmth growing between us. The wrap was loose, it was not to hold on to me. It somehow seemed as if he used me as a shelter to lean on perhaps to make sure that he kept on standing. 

 

His breathing against my bare neck, still warm today, but . I could not enjoy it. It was my time to be stiffened when someone held me into an embrace. 

My heart beaitng against his. 

There was alot that I was to know. It was my term to question. But where was I to start from. 

 

I found my eyes drying up rather disturbingly to the point that it started to sting. It was not only my eyes, my mouth felt desert. He slowly murmured, 

 

“Your color….” his voice broke, he looked up. I had a damp spot on my neck now, damp from his tears. He continued,

 

“What happened to your color Taekwoonie?” His tears rolled down as if they had a mind of its own. He was the one tearing up, while I was the one dying with his each words.

“Why did you change? You covered it up with white…”

 

“I..” I murmured softly, but failed to say another word. It just wouldn't come out. I felt something salty on my lips, salty water. 

 

_ His tears… how did it reach… _

 

Then another drop, then another, that landed on his face , it wasn't long before I realized that not only his, but my tears had also found a brain of their own. We became a sobbing mess, and I could no longer say if my clothes were damp from his tears or mine.

 

“I’m  _ still me _ Taekwoonie...then how could You…..”

 

I grabbed his shoulders, gently pushing him a little far from my body, his slender fram looked vulnerable at that moment. As if he seemed like someone who was still praying as if it was all just a dream. I felt a strange sensation running down my body, as if every limb, every organ of my body screaming to me for not to ask him his name.. as if they knew something that I did not. 

 

I ignored it. The odd sensation was strong, but my heart's will was stronger.

 

“What...is your name?” - I asked.

 

His sobs died down, he took a few breaths to calm his tone. 

 

“You really don't know…” he whispered, his hands slowly letting go of me, his raised his hand, wrist putting calmly against mine, and started to shove my hands away, gently as his name left his lips,

 

“Cha….Hak.….”

 

Then…..

 

Then all went black. 

 

A low hum, soft whispers in my ears, whispers that I didn't understand what they meant. I opened my eyes, black disappeared, white filled in. I sat up, putting all my weight on the ground. Looking before me was white, looking behind me the shade still remained unchanged. 

 

Wherever I looked, there was endless white. 

“Hello…” standing up I whispered. Even my whisper echoed through the emptiness. I stood baffled.

 

**_How did I end up here? Wasn't I with N...then_ ** _.. _

 

I raised my hand to comb through my hair, if felt as if it was a mess. Something touched my hand as it went close to my forehead. I reached my both hand to feel it, it was hard, covering my face. 

 

**_A….mask….._ **

 

I took it off, it really was a mask. A white mask. I looked at it with shocked stare. The front, the back, it was all white. 

 

**_Why am I wearing a mask? How...did it come here? Where am I?_ **

 

I stood all alone, without having any idea what I was to do. Perplexed as to what was going on. 

 

_ “Taekwoonie!”  _ it was then that I heard the call. Voice, that I have always dreamed of, that childish jolly voice. A kid of 7-8 years old passed by me. 

 

I felt as if the time froze when he went across me. His small little feature, barely above my knee, he passed me by, I shifted my gaze from the mask to him, his sun kissed skin, eyes shaping crescent that's focused on somewhere, a bright smile shinning on his face. He had scarlet auora all around him. Time became slow only for a second as he passed by, then his running pace as fast as before.

 

A light squeaky noise from not so far. I looked at the kid’s back, he jumped on another fairer skinned boy, who sat on the swing. His color was dark blue. I fully turned around again shocked how there was a swing now in the emptiness and how I knew the new kid.

 

**_That's….me….what’s going on?_ **

 

_ “Did you miss me? I missed you so much Taekwoonie!! You missed me as well, right? I love you so much!!” _

 

The tanned one kept on rubbing his cheek with the fairer one, squishing him with all the energy that he had in that small figure of his.  

_ “I Hate you _ ..”

And the fair one first looking all annoyed tried to hide the small smile that flashed on his feature.

 

“ _ Meanie! I know that you love me!” _

 

**_Is this….huh? I don't understand_ ** _ … _

 

“Excuse me!” I said in rather a loud voice, but they didn't look. I again shouted, but no answer. As if I didn't exist.

 

Again a squeaky sound of swing, this time from my back. I whirled around, two kids, the same ones from before sat together, on swing. A bit older than before, 10 years perhaps.. I thought.. one was swinging, other sat still…. I sat still….

 

_ “Can you really see the colors of people and relationship?” _

_ “Colors? Yes I can..” _

_ “Wah! I'm jealous. I wish I could see them as well” (kids laughing sound from nowhere started to fill the emptiness.) _

 

I took a step back, my mind failing to register what was going on. I knew that scenario, I saw it before. It was my dream…

 

**_Am I dreaming? Am I in my memory...what is going on?_ **

 

_ Sobbing sound. _

 

I turned around, the small me stood there, fire burning in his eyes. A bunch of faceless kids, of different shades standing before him. Laughing at him, mocking him. One of them threw a pebble at him, a lump grew on there.

 

“ _ What are you looking at like that!”(one kid) _

_ “Tch… just cuz you are rich you think you can glare at us like that?”(another) _

_ “Let's teach him a lesson!” _

The little me fisted his hand, the shade started to get deeper. I stared at his color, his eyes held the wrath of a killer. He no… I looked devious. He almost raised his fist but..

 

“ _ Taekwoonie… I bought chocolate for us! Wanna eat? We can sit on the swing and eat together!” _

 

The tanned one standing beside me called out for him. He paused, released his fist, slowly letting out an exhale. The fire in those little eyes died down and he flashed him something that could somewhat be considered as a smile. 

 

The shade around him again got back to its original color, it felt unreal as if the scarlet one knew how to keep the dark blue in its original shade.

 

Panic started to grow onto me. I turned around to run, a golden beam under my feet. I paused and looked at the light, slowly forming a door's structure. I looked at it,  hesitated for a moment then pushed it in. Again white greeted me, with just a simple couch, where my young father and mother sat down. 

 

_ “His grades are falling..” (father) _

_ “It’s because of him hanging out with low class people…”(mom) _

_ “shall we change school then?” _

_ “No good… there will always be low class people in Korea.” _

_ “Are you suggesting that we move abroad?” _

_ “yes… that’s better for his studies…” _

 

The door behind me disappeared. I looked back to see the splash of light, and turning back I found my parents missing as well.

 

**_I don't remember seeing that…_ **

 

Then there was that familiar silence. I started to walk. The only sound that filled the emptiness was the sound of my steps, and the beating of my heart. The path never had an exit. 

 

I dunno how long had I walked for, till I heard that sound. As I walked closer, the voice became clear. The voice of the little me, and my mother. I followed it, till I saw them together, standing face to face.

 

_ “USA is a nice place…. You can make new friends there…” _

_ “I don't want new friends..” (voice hardly understable because of the heavy sobs) _

_ “But, they are fine people. And you can see new colors..” _

_ “Can't Hakyeon come along with me?” _

_ “No… listen you’ll find new friends there.. and who knows, you say you can see people's other half.. then you might meet yours as well..” _

_ “But my other-” _

 

“Half is him…” words left my mouth. I did not know why I said that. It was just a memory that came back to me. I remembered how I replied her, perfectly.

 

**_Then why did I not remember this uptil now? Why have I never thought of these missing parts….._ **

 

Again a low sob. I didn't want to turn around. I knew that story, I saw that everyday for the last fifteen years. I wanted to see that face, everyday, but today I coward up. I didn't want to see it anymore. I closed my eyes, only letting the words register in my brain.

 

“ _ You know you are my lifelong friend,right?”......... _

The same dialogues, the same words. The same voice….the same event.

 

**_I won't be able to move forward without you……_ **

 

I again started to move, my steps faster. I needed to see what happened after that. Why I forgot him, how I stopped watching colors… and I knew the answer was there, somewhere. My grip tightening around the mask.

 

Another low hum, i turn to its direction. 

 

**_Another door_ ** _..   _

 

Pushing it, I again found my parents. Mother in her usual stance, sitting with a cup in her hand, as she took small sips from it. Father stood with a piece of paper in his hand. And a small desk before them.

 

_ “He can't stop crying… it’s already 2 years but he still won't stop crying about returning to Korea.” _

_ “Ler him cry… it’s for his best…” _

_ “He handed me another of his letter… again to Hakyeon… do you know where he lives in Korea? His address…. Maybe he can calm him down…” _

_ “Why do you want to go through so much trouble? Can't you understand that he is just a kid? He will eventually forget about him… Or become angry that the other one never contacted him. So keep quiet. He’s only 13… he is still a kid.” _

_ A sigh from father. _

_ “I’m just worried about his health.. he seemed to have stopped communicating with everyone. He became a bit quiet…” _

_ “It’s for the best. Now honey, won't you company me to the mall... I have to buy a few things.” _

_ “Sure…” father said as he put the letter into the drawer of the desk. Mom and father both passed by me, going out of the door. _

 

I waited for the Door to disappear, it didn't. A few minutes passed and then entered my young self... The thirteen year old me, tears rolled down on his cheeks. Small hiccups as he struggled to take in breaths. His frame shook tremendously, yet he kept on walking towards the drawer. Opening it his tears again became more heavier, sobs getting louder. I didn't need to walk to him to know what he had seen to cry that hard. I already knew.

 

**_My letters never reached him….. I never contacted him…... I broke that promise_ ** _ …. _

 

The low hum became louder, door disappearing behind me.

 

A loud bang. I turned around, books spilled on the ground, then a boy around 15-17 hit the ground real hard right before me. His arm hurt, a scratch by his elbow, just like mine. Blood gushing out of it. I sat down to ask him,

 

“Are you okay?”

 

My voice got unheard. He didn't look up at me, rather he balanced himself up. The red on the white.. it felt good to see a new shed. 

 

_ “You Asian really have the gut to come to my country and look at me with those eyes! Who gave you the right to glare at me like that?!” _

 

He stabled himself up from that fall.And Just stared at the blood, before reaching for his books. A direct kick on his torso. He again fell, this time a photo fell from the book that he held. I looked at the kicker, he had no eyes or nose. Just a simple facial structure, and dark purple around him, that's all. 

 

The boy, again sat up, rather quickly. The faceless one picked up the photo.

 

“ _ Give it back….” _

_ “What? This photo? Why?” _

_ “I said return it to me….” _

_ “Ahh!! So you Asian are also gay? Who is this? Your boy friend? Tch… no wonder you are-” _

_ “GIVE.THAT.BACK.” _

_ “I won't.” _

 

He took out a lighter from his pocket. Panic filled in the eyes of the young me, before the fire could touch the photo, he tackled him, forcefully. Then a lot of red filled the white, as he walked away with the picture in his hand. The red increased, but the young me did not look back. The sky blue aura around him slowing getting deeper in color as the photo crumbled in his grip.

 

I remembered how my whole school, college life was spent by ignoring all the bullies that tormented me for keeping that picture in my book or saying how I could see colors, only because I would again end up humiliating my parents. I never fought back, I only endured and endured till I my back hit the wall. That was the first day when I decided to make a proper movement. But it didn't feel good. I recalled the scenario of the photo getting scrambled into my grip. It was because I started hating him, because I blamed him for being the only one to make me happy just by looking at a photo. I started to hate him from that day. 

 

Again silence. I looked at my hand, the aura that the young me had. Where was it? I couldn't see it on me. Why? I stepped forward. This time my steps were small, I didn't need to walk long.

 

_ “Leo! Talk to me right now!” mom shouted. _

_ “I don't need to!” so did the young me. _

_ “I just got a call from your school. They say you injured a boy and left the spot immediately. Why?!” _

_ “He deserved it.” _

_ “Why? I need to know the reason!” _

_ “He was going to burn my photo with Hakyeon. How could I-” _

_ A slap across his face. He didn't look up. His fist slowly formed into ball but he didn't raise them.  _

_ “Him!Him! And HIM! what is it about him! Are you a gay?! Are you telling me that my son is interested in men?! If so then Do you not see that this HAKYEON of yours don’t give a single damn about you! He never contacted you!” _

_ His eyes widened he looked up, shocked from realization. _

_ “He does not remember you! If he actually cared he would have contacted you or tried to find you at least once, Leo!” _

_ “Wrong…” he whimpered… _

_ “No Leo! I am right. I know the best for you, and he is not the one!” _

The little me crumbled down. Mom left him as she disappeared into nothingness, the picture crumbling up in his fist, he let his tears roll down.

_ “He ….. mom is right... Isn't she?... He really did not look for me...” _

 

He looks down.The shade around him darkens. I looked at it baffled.

 

**_But why….he never had your address so how...why did I think that…._ **

 

_ *Tick tock.* _

 

A sound of clock strike. And I left him, to find the source. The sound of water hitting the floor, almost like how it sounds when someone showers. I followed it. 

 

A door. I didn't delay a second to open it up. 

 

The door opened to a full colored room. Blue curtains on the window, red bedsheet on the large king sized bed, where a girl lied down. Blanket all around her, probably not wearing anything.

 

And then there stood the young me, water drops still clinging onto my body, only a towel around my waist. I couldn't tell the age, 19 - 20? But it wasn't long before I again returned to Korea. The young me smiled at the girl lying on the bed and I felt a small twist at somewhere in my stomach. I knew I was not inexperienced..but...

 

As much as I could remember, it was always because of father’s unreasonable  _ lady _ escorting business, then when…. My grip again tightened around that mask. 

 

The lady sat up, covering herself with the blanket, and I got the perfect view of her. I knew her, she was someone from my college that I used to date. Probably the very first person that I have ever dated. However I couldn't recall how we broke up.

 

_ “That picture in the photoframe… is that you and your brother? It seems as if someone had ran a truck over this picture.” _

_ “No… just a friend..” _

_ “Friend? What's his name?” _

_ “Hakyeon..” _

_ “Do you still meet him? Where does he live?” _

_ “.......... I dunno…” _

_ “Huh? When was the last time you met him?” _

_ “When I was 12..” _

_ “Wow.. you haven't met for 8 years.. have you talked?” _

_ “.......no…..” _

_ “Ow… then I suppose you are not that close.. why do you have a picture of him?” _

_ “......” _

 

She reached out her arm to take the photo frame in her hand.

 

_ “Then we can change it right? I mean, since we are dating, there should be a photo of us in your bedroom..” _

 

The young me, ever so cautious snatched the picture right before she could touch it. His eyes filled with caution, as if that picture held his world.

 

_ “What's wrong Leo? Why do you-” _

_ “Don't. Ever. Touch it…” _

_ “But, why? I do- wait…” _

_ She stopped as she blinked a few times before starting again. _

_ “The rumors about you being interested in men, it's not true right?” _

_ “No…” _

_ “No? No.. that’s the truth! You are interested in men! You are interested in him! Aren't you?! Don't tell me, that rumor about you seeing color is also true…” _

_ “Just stop..” _

_ “OMG! That's so funny! You really are a hypocrite! Why the hell did you date me?! To prove that you are straight? You used me!” _

_ “Wait, you are getting it wrong..” _

_ She stood up, grabbing her clothes. The young me grabbed her arms she shoved him away, _

 

_ “Don't touch me!” _

_ “We can talk this over..” _

_ “No we can't! How dare you use me? Go back to your Korean black sod!” _

 

_ His eyes widened, hand grabbing onto her shoulders as roughly as he could. She groaned in pain, as she struggled to release herself from his grab. No use, her strength was no match for him. He pushed her on the bed, placing himself top on her. His eyes dark, as his color darkened a bit more, a bit of red filled around him. The girl looked at him with fear. _

 

_ “what did you just call him?” _

_ “Get off! What are you-” _

_ “You just crossed the line…” _

_ “Get off!” _

“ _ You know that, right?” _

 

I shut my eyes hard as I got out of that room. I never knew that side of me, surely I remembered why and when we broke up. That was surely the last day I had seen her.

 

I strode away from there, who knows which direction. Just somewhere that was not close to that door. I feared myself to become like that again. I knew his thoughts, and I fought them as I walked away. I knew how I smiled at her when tears rolled down on her face. I remembered how I saw what inhumane thing I did to her and fell on the ground when realization hit me hard. How I ended up throwing that photoframe away and the glasses shattered everywhere. How I blamed it all on him for something that I had done all on my own accord…….How slowly I was turning into a monster in my own oblivion. How I began hating him from the core of my heart.

 

**_It was never him….why did..no….how…._ **

 

I stopped when I saw the golden beam under my feet again, a low hum, slow murmur of words that I couldn't make out. A sudden burst of breeze in this nothingness, and the door appeared I didn't need to open it this time. It opened on its own, but waited for me to walk into it. I followed.

 

I was greeted with another room, purple curtains hanging freely, the moonlight telling me that it was night, the 20 years old me stood firm. Father stood there baffled and mom had her hand on her mouth. The picture still crumbled in my fist, I saw it.

 

“ _ Why do you not want to return to Korea? That is all you have been asking for the past few years...then..”(dad) _

_ “There is no answer..” _

_ “give me the paper that you are holding…” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Give it to me!”- father grabbed my hand, trying to release my fist, he pried away. Father again came to reach for his hand but this time he pushed him with his other hand... Father fell down. Mom didn't delay to deliver another slap across his face. The young me ooked up to shot her a glare and she took a step back. _

 

_ “Who...are you?”- mom’s voice quivered. _

 

_ Senses poured into the young me and he shifted his gaze between his parents. Troubled he took a step back. Those eyes haunted him from his school life, as if he was some alien walking there. He didn't want it anymore. He didn't want to see it from the one’s that gave birth to him. And to his own surprise, he started hating Hakyeon for being the only one who did not look at him that way. _

 

_ “No…….don’t look at me….no” _

 

_ He shook his head frivolously as he kept on repeating “no” in his mind.  _

 

_ “Why are you acting like that?”(dad) _

_ “He has lost it all… and it's all because of his obsession over that HAKYEON! Is he the one who taught you to push your father like that?!” Mom screeched, his murmur became lower. _

 

I stood all stoned by hearing mom’s words. A look of disbelief filled my eyes as I looked at her.

 

**_It was never Hakyeon...the one that turned me into a monster was not him….._ **

 

“ _ Leo….” father tried to come close to him but he cried out a loud no.  _

 

He was losing it. The mind of the little me was losing it, his tears unstoppable, he trembled in fear. Who knows what could he do when his father touch him. Could he actually guarantee that he wouldn't hurt, no… the anger built inside of him was out of control, and who could understand that better than the one that stood unnoticed over here.

 

_ “Leo listen to me..” mother wrapped the young me into her embrace, “forget him. Do you not see what he has done to you? You have turned into someone that we dunno. Its all because I that one person… he is making you into a monster. He doesn't care for you, he doesn't need you… so dear, give up on that photo. Give up on him... Forget him….you are wasting your precious life over a low class people like him….you should be our loyal son...not a maniac….listen to mother” _

 

I tried to remember what I replied as I saw the sobbing young me parting his lips a little.

 

“ _ He doesn't care about me, right? He never did…” _

_ “Yes… he didn't, he wouldn't…. You shouldn't either….you are not Taekwoon...you are Leo… try to live as Leo…” _

“ _ He turned me into a monster…” _

_ “Yes… you understand now right…” _

“ _ It’s all his fault, right mother?” _

_ “Yes…. It’s all his fault….” _

_ “I am the victim here…” _

_ “… you are right my son… you are the victim…” _

_ “Mom I have a wish…” _

_ “What is it?” _

_ …. _

_ …. _

_ “I want to forget him… I want to forget the one that’s turning me into a monster… I want to forget Cha Hakyeon…” _

_ “Yes you will.we…..I’ll help you...…” _

_ “I hate him mom….” _

 

The door behind me vanished as a golden beam surrounded me. A cozy warmth, slightly caressing me, as if they tried to melt the ice cube that I had become only by seeing that one memory. I took in a desirable breath, I didn't know how long have I not inhaled air but I felt like suffocating. The light wrapped around me slowly started to move away from before me. The mask in my hand, ever so light, suddenly felt heavy in weight. 

 

**_Why?... I wonder…._ **

 

I didn't have to walk…. We were already standing in a room of white. This white was different. We were somewhere like a hospital perhaps. I walked in, the young me lied down on a bed. Mom talking to someone, she didn't wear any doctor gown. 

 

_ “Hypnosis does not work on everyone… and it is really hard to actually erase someone completely with a mere trick such as hypnotism…” _

_ “Just try! I’ve heard a lot about you… I know you can do it….”(mom) _

_ “Well… it’d be easier if he also wishes to forget that person…do you?” _

_ “Can you make sure that I don't even remember his name?” _

_ “It seems like you do...but remember, if this succeeds then make sure the name Cha Hakyeon never gets uttered before him. Or the memories might return. So….let's get it started…” _

 

A huff left my mouth. Can I actually trust my eyes? I was hypnotized? There has to be a mistake. That was just simply something that could be done in drama, then how could I actually? I just refused to believe it. But then I saw that lady first letting me drink something then slowly holding a pocket watch before me. It swayed right and left, and the young me’s eyes started to get heavy. His eyes followed the watch. The lady hummed something, even today I couldn't understand what that lady said. Probably because my brain could not grasp it at that time but I remembered the hum. Afterall I had heard it so many times today.

 

He went numb. The lady asked for something from mom, she handed her the photograph of us. A whistle and he moved. The lady slowly handing him the photograph she whispered in his ears,

 

_ “Burn it…. Burn the one that you despise… burn his memories within you…..burn the memories of the days when you uttered his name…... remember that you are the victim….” _

_ Her other hand slowly handing him the lighter, she leaned closer. Her lips almost touching his ears. _

_ “Burn the one that has turned you into a monster...burn Cha Hakyeon…” _

 

He raised the lighter, my eyes widened. I wanted to run to him, an invincible barrier between us.

 

“No...don’t!” I shouted, he didn't stop. I cursed myself for being so weak minded, I cursed myself for having twisted logic…. I cursed myself for…….everything...

 

**_What was I thinking?..._ **

 

Then I heard a crack. I paused to look down, the mask in my hand, a crack across it. The fire touched the picture, a second crack. Then the mask started to disperse from the crack area. I looked at the young me. His aura all started to gather a little over his head, the deep dark blue slowly merging together, forming the shell, as the one in my hand started to disappear. I looked at it baffled, just as the picture lost it’s last trace, I felt the nothingness in my hand and saw the mask on his….

 

_ “ only remember it all when…” _

**_You hear his name…_ **

 

The golden beam started to transform, as it again appeared under my feet. Showing me the way to the door of that room. 

 

1 step, I regained all my memory.

 

2 step, the golden beam went dark blue.

 

I stopped… 

_ Was I the only victim? Was there any fault of Hakyeon in any of this? Burn the one that you despise…..am I going to return to being the one that I despised so much……I’m not right? _

 

3 step, I regained my twisted logic as I stood before the door. Dark blue got deeper in color…. my heart, for the first time in the past few months lost to my mind. As I looked up to open the door , it replayed the sentence of my young self to me over and over again.

 

_ I was the victim…. And Cha Hakyeon did that to me. _


	8. Perhaps Final Showdown?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap might be really boring....

The cold water felt nice as it hit my body on this cold autumn night. The emotional turmoil that went beneath the sheath of mine, for that it was better. Letting the coldness touch the outside, hoping it would freeze everything beneath it, turning me into an ice. Yes… Ice perhaps would have been better. Ice didn't think, they didn't feel. Could I become like that?

 

“Hyung!” 

 

54….

 

it was 54th time that Ken had slammed on the door of the washroom. How long has it been since I entered? Was it too long? Or just for some minutes. I couldn't care. 

 

“Hyung... Please answer to me… why are you doing this?”

 

I heard his slam getting stronger, any further strength, the door might as well break down. 

 

Can't I stay a bit longer?

 

I turned off the shower, ruffling my hair with a towel I opened the door up for him, I didn't even realize that I was still wearing clothes in the shower. He stood appalled as I sent him a gentle smile, but he didn't smile back. Rather his eyes widened with questions. I suppose the upturn of my lips were too small to be visible for him.

 

“I just wanted a shower….why are you so worried?”

 

I walked passed him, without waiting for his answer. He stood there frozen, I didn't look back. I didn't have the time to. After all, I needed to pack a lot of clothes and catch the next train to ….I dunno where! Any cities or village or... Perhaps country would have been fine….. I just needed to...get away...

 

I dragged my body to my room, my steps, it never felt this hard to take steps before. Water still dripping from my fringes while the soaked dress kept the trails of water marks on the floor.

 

What was going on with me?

 

Yes, he forgot me. Did I not anticipate it? Have I really never considered the possibility of him forgetting me? He was a childhood friend, just a childhood friend. Surely I called him my  lifelong friend but had he ever uttered it? No! He did not.Even I don't remember all of the kids that I used to play with when I had been a kid. How could he? When he went to USA...he surely met many a people there. How could he remember me? I might have been among those nameless kids for him. So how could I not think about the possibility of him forgetting me?

 

I had….

..over a thousand times I had told myself that sentence. I had told myself that he had forgotten all about me. But…

why does it hurt then?

 

I said this to me so many times then why was it getting this difficult for me to understand? Why could I not accept the fact that Jung Taekwoon could not recognize my color? That Jung Taekwoon failed to remember my name…..that Jung Taekwoon forgot me….

 

Tears again filled my eyes and I looked up at the roof to prevent them from falling. That trick never worked for me. Tears still made its way down.

 

Would I cry if Ken had forgotten me after 15 years? Is it normal to cry?

 

“Hyung why are you packing your clothes?” 

 

Ken’s panic filled eyes pulled me from my unsorted thoughts. I tried to sent him a broken smile so he only sees that, but not my tears, that didn't happen. He was always a few inches taller than I, so even when I held my head up to stop the tear, he could see it with no leisure at all. 

 

“Why are you crying? What's WRONG?! Hyung!” Ken shook me hard, I looked away from him. Tried to avoid his eyes. I gulped.

 

What was I to say to this man? That the person who I searched for 5 years does not even remember my name? Could I actually say it to him? To the one that had changed his branch over and over again, just to company me in this wrecked journey of mine?

 

“Did someone do something to you? Or say to you?”

Then he paused. My eyes widened at him as he whispered the next words,

 

“You found out that Taekwoon is Leo... Didn't you?”

 

I stared at him, my eyes fixed into his, he bit his lower lip.

 

“You knew?” I hissed.

“Yes…”

“How?”

“ the waiter girl told me that he returned from USA five years ago, the family name matched, so I dug into his past.”

“Why have you not informed me then?” My voice stern, and I looked at him with icy glares. He didn't flinch. He casually made me sit down on my bed and he sat down on the floor, hand calmly resting on mine.

“So that you wouldn't do what you are doing now…”

“What ridiculous reason is that?” I shoved his hand away, getting up to fasten up my packing.

 

All of my friends betrayed me….how could even Ken…

“ You are supposed to be my friend! Then why would you, even after knowing that I looked for hi-”

“You said he is just a childhood friend!” His voice loud.

“Yes…”I stopped, but refused to turn around.

“Then why is he more important to you than me, hyung?”

“No!” turning around I walked upto him, closing the distance between us crushing him into an embrace. He stiffened, I waited for him to relax, he didn't. I felt as if his breath hitched in his throat.

“You are of equal importance,Ken! Why would you…”

“Then why are you leaving me here? He was just a childhood friend, right? He left you for 15 years but what about me? I have spent my last 14 years with you!” he slightly pushed my waist to remove me, I finally relinquished my hold on him but avoided his eyes.

“Look at me hyung! Is it because I still stayed with you? Would you held me by this importance if I had left you like him!? If I had forgotten you?”

“KEN!”

“DON'T SHOUT HYUNG! Friends don't hung over a childhood friend for 15 years! If they do then they wouldn't be a sobbing mess like you hyung! I would take my friend out for a drink and tell him about the days we had spent together until he remembers!

“W-What are you trying to say?” I felt my throat getting disturbingly dry.

“You know exactly what I am saying! Don't pretend that you don't! Why did you have that faith that he would remember you? Are you really going to say that color thingy to me again? Then listen! There are over 7 Billion people on this earth! Do you really expect me to believe that in those 7 Billion there isn't another 100 scarlet like you?!”

 

I choked. He wasn't wrong, I always knew that people can share colors. I knew that fact very well, but yet I held onto that believe that he’ll remember me by my color.

My silence gave away my answer.

 

He scoffed.

 

“See! You have had thoughts about it. Then why? Why did you keep on believing that he  will  remember you. He  will  be able to answer your question.. the question that is so mere that can be answered only by one sentence- because I didn't feel the necessity of contacting you \- yet you came here. Yet you believed that there was another reason! Where did that trust came from, HYUNG?”

“I-i don't need to answer you…” I tried to turn around, this time he grabbed me by my arm. I glared at him, he didn't even care.

“No… you don't need to answer me… but you need to answer yourself!”

“I never asked you to company me Ken. If you hadn't then you wouldn't have any problem on this matter…”

“Yes… and you could jump off from Mapo bridge, right?”

He again startled me. I quietly looked at him, my lips parted and then again clamped shut.

“Do you really think I’m that stupid to not figure out why you would come to Seoul after finding the whole nation? This is the capital but yet you looked through the whole country to find the only heir of a businessman. I knew very well what your plan is hyung..the chances of finding him in here was the highest that’s the only reason why you came here at last! Even you in your own oblivion knew he wouldn’t remember you! And look! That was the plan you had about your life! For someone who left you 15 years ago….It’s the suicidal bridge of our nation…nobody cares who jumps from there anymore!...that is why I came this far! But look at you! You! Being you, have never even seen the one that stood by you. Always hung up on one person, calling him friend. If you call him a friend after going to that extent…” he paused, his voice husky from the tears that he was fighting to hold in, “then what does that make me hyung? A mere stranger? Am I really only that much to you?

 

“No... I..” my voice became shaky, because I had an answer. But I couldn't explain it to him. Our color...it was between red and pink...that was where the confidence came from… it had to! How was I supposed to make him understand that?

 

“Hyung… he gave up on you…. I might sound bitter, but he did not ever thought of you as a lover…..”

“Wait.. I didn't either… I’m not interested in those! Love is just a dellusion...”

“Are you really going to keep on denying? Yes… you are not interested hyung. I’ll never doubt on that…”

“Then what are you saying!? You are making no sense!” My voice perhaps too loud only to prove his idea wrong.

He exhaled to calm himself.

“You are not interested because you already gave your heart to someone else…. How can someone else ever seem appealing to you? How can you be interested when your heart was already that loyal….”

“You are wrong Ken! I do not love him! How can I? Why would I love my childhood friend?! I barely knew him.. What he has become like, what he would look like... That makes no sense? Surely I believed he would know me because.. Because our strands connects, I can't explain to you about that.. but… I mean if I loved him, then I'd have fallen in love with him again as Leo.. I didn't! So it’s-”

“That just proves my theory more... Doesn't it?”

“What?” My legs suddenly felt numb, I didn’t even know what was going on with me, i almost fell on the ground but Ken’s one hand kept on holding me by my arm and another one holding my waist, helping me to keep on standing. His words hit me like a hammer, and I felt like a pin that had nowhere but to dig into the wall, the hard wall of realization… perhaps truth? 

 

“Your heart is so loyal to him, that you refused to even fall for the same guy with just a different name…..you only had that one Jung Taekwoon in your heart, where he had already moved on. That’s why you are crying hyung for a childhood friend that you barely knew….”

 

“no...I can't be..”

 

“yes…. This is the feeling of a broken heart hyung…”

 

What could I reply?

 

My brain had already stopped functioning ,  Ken leaned forward, our noses almost brushing each other, his breath warm on my lips, I knew he exhaled deliberately to increase the tension in the air,gently  caressing my face with his hand,

 

“He moved on… you should as well…. Your life is yours... I’ll help you as your friend. I’ll be there till the end, be your mental support. I’ll be more than that if you want.I’ll be there till you actually get over him…i’ll help you as a friend...”

“Why?” I murmured…

“because I have seen your sorrow, your tears your smile…..i cant allow them to disappear for someone who had no courtesy of even keeping a simple promise…. You are my hyung, my friend... I'll try my best…”

.He slowly moved up, as he placed a kiss on my forehead. A drop of tear ran down my cheeks in my own oblivion, and I closed my eyes. 

 

My brain refused to believe what Ken had said. But, he was right… we were each other's other half, but I had seen many people never even meeting their other half. How they spent their whole life in separate world. He was doing so as well… yet I didn't. Yet I searched for him, yet my heart cried to know why he never contacted me...yet I cried because he didn't remember me... Because he fainted hearing my name. The image of him blacking out, falling on me as I held him into my arm and shouted for help still so fresh in my mind that I could still feel the warmth shared between us, the panic of not feeling his heartbeat still ran shiver down my spine. All because thinking again that I had done something to  my  Taekwoonie...

 

Since When was he my Taekwoonie?

 

My inside twisted in a sick spasm. Ken slowly looked down at me, his eyes questioning about my next move. I slowly looked up to match his stare.

 

“Ken-ah….”

“mm…..”

“Why does it hurt more now?Wh-Why did the pain increase….. I feel like... I feel like I'm stuck in a bubble underwater, where only destruction awaits for me. Nobody can save me…. I-”

“But you are not trapped inside a bubble...You are trapped in my arm.” he hushed.

His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me closer, I didn't protest.

“Now my hyung will you still-”

“Ken-ah…... I’m tired…”

 

Ken paused for a brief moment before releasing me. He slowly guided me to my bed, eased me to sit on the edge. I saw him picking up the towel from the ground and then ruffle my hair. His thumbs slowly wiping the tears from my face, as he moved to my soaked top. He slowly clenched two ends off my top to take it off, I didn't help. My hands wouldn't move, almost as if I had turned into a statue.

 

He waited, till he realized that I was still not going to do anything. A smile at me, that seemed more like a grimace to me.

 

“hyung… change into some dry clothes.  The last thing I would want to see is a sobbing mess with flu….okay!” He patted me on my shoulder as he left me in my room.

 

I looked at his steps. They were light, slow.  Was he hurt? Did I hurt him? Should I have let him take off my clothes? Was it the reason why he was sad? No… did I do anything tonight that was actually not to upset that poor boy? I…

 

The questions added another trouble to my already messed up thoughts, I again found myself as a tear fountain. No matter how many times I wiped them off, I still felt them again coursing down. I didn't know till when had I worn those clothes, because the more they dried up from end, the more the neck part got damped. 

 

AllI knew that I sobbed alone in he silence, Ken did not enter that room again.

\------------------------------------

 

My eyes opened up to the ceiling of my own room. I blinked a few times,  eyes adjusting to the light. 

 

Is ...it another dream….

 

“Hyung!”

“Leo!”

“Are you okay my son?”

Ravi,father, mother all of their voices called out for me. I looked to my side a little,  they were all sitting by my bed, I could see the tear stains on my mother’s face, her mascara and eye liner all smudged for her constant try to rub her tears off. 

Can they hear me? It’s not another dream right?

I raised my hand a little, mother did not delayed to take it in her palms. It assured my of my awakening. 

 

“what happened? Why did you suddenly collapse?” mom continued in her broken voice.

“That N-guy called us for help. If he wasn't there, then I dunno when we could have found you. ..”

“what are you talking about? Do you not see that he was the one for whom my son is in this state? He surely must have done something to him! I say we hand him to police….” mother demanded.

“Aunt…. What are you saying...he is Leo hyung’s friend.  Why would he-”

 

“Don't ever…” I found my jaw tightening, breathing becoming really frequent. 

“Call him my friend….”

I looked over at Ravi, who’s eyes startled as he struggled to register my words. I started to sit up on my bed.

 

“Sophie was really worried about you. She is still here….shall I call her in?”

 

My father’s word didn't seem that bad to me as it always did. Maybe I didn't care anymore. Maybe I had accepted the reality…or maybe I was the one who was willing to do everything now. ..I couldn't tell.

 

I heard the door opening a crack. Then slowly it opened to its full. She entered the room.. even by the corner of my eyes I could see the makeup on her face, still perfect. 

 

How worried she might have been!......

 

I wondered. My back resting on the headboard, I didn't look up, but my father signaling the others to leave us alone did not go unseen by me. I rolled my eyes at his attempts as I swallowed the chuckle that almost made its way to my lips. And surely to my not so surprise, all my family member had matters to attend to. Except Sophie….

 

“You failed. ….” she softly whispered,  like she didn't want our little conversation to be heard from the other side of the door. I casted her a glance. 

“You must be happy…. “ unlike her my voice was usual. 

A low chuckle escaped her lips,  I furrowed. 

“Happy? What for? “

“You are getting what you want.  Isn't that a happy news? “

She glared at me, as if her eyes were boring holes into mine. Her hands fisted she took in frequent breaths. 

 

“What  is  it that I want? “

 

“Me… A heir would perhaps be nice for both family…. “ I glanced her a sharp look.  Her eyes opened to a slit, jaw tightening. 

 

“And that is a happy news for me? And for you? 

“...a problem. It’s I who is to give up all. I’m the lamb to be sacrificed.”

 

“You said  we are the lambs to be sacrificed! How did  we  turn into  you? “ Her voice back to normal, the previous attempt to keep it low, left. Her eyes filled with rage.

 

“Must have been a slip of tongue.. After all its a gain and gain factor for you..”

 

What happed next was something that I really had not predicated. She strode to my bed as she fisted my collars and pulled me closer to make sure that I was still looking directly at her. 

 

“Gain and gain?” She hissed. 

 

“That's not ladylike Sophie..”

 

“No… This is bitch style… It’s the way I should have acted from the very first day. Gain and gain you say? Yes! But not for me! Maybe for you…”

 

“What? I’m getting married to someone that I dont even like. A cunt who tried to sleep with me on the very first day, who knows how many people have you did that to before?”I hissed my hand grabbing her wrist, she groaned a little, but didn’t let go.

 

“And you didn’t? What about you? You lived in USA! Your small company suddenly has  such wide connections and surprisingly most of their owner has a  daughter  that is looking for man to marry .  But I doubt the ones that have sons are also not by the same tactics since I know which gender you are truly interested in!” She harshly whispered. 

 

“Don't put me in the same level…”

 

“Same lavel? No. I’ll never do that. You are far below me. Gain and gain? I’m getting married to a guy that I know will never love me when I tried to do everything! A guy who couldn't even set his logic correctly,  a guy who is interested in men. My husband would be someone who fell in love with a guy who he met after he met me! My dear husband is someone who slept with I cant even count the number. My lovely husband who is going through the same “parents shit” but can't understand what  loyal  child acts like when it's on my part. Someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to at least pretend to like me. And even after knowing it all, I have to marry… Why? Beacause it was my sin to be born as the only daughter of a businessman. And you call me a cunt? Tch… What shall I call you?”

 

“Do  everything?  Like what did you even do? “

Her grip tightened around my collar while mine around her wrist. 

 

“I let you go!” She whispered and for one instant I became unclear of what she was saying. 

 

“What?”

 

“Yes! Jung Taekwoon! I gave you a chance to get away, to actually earn the one that you were yearning for! But what did you do? Faint! Really? What kind of sick joke is this? If you had once walked in with that man, I could have had a reason to protest to this sick drama, but no! MR Heartthrob had to faint! I am the one sacrificing it all! From the very first day when I dragged you to my bed to even in the future when I’ll have to carry  your child. If I liked dragging you to my house then Taekwoon-sshi, You liked it as well. Because you also know that was your job! And You are the only victim! Just because I made the first move, I’m the cunt and you are the saint?”

 

I am always the victim! 

 

“I have had enough of your nonsense,” I didn't know what got into me suddenly I just pulled her towards me by her wrist. She unable to keep balance tripped over me and I, grabbing both of her wrist in my one hand and putting the other one on her belly, flipped her over. She lied on the bed with her hands over her head and I kept the shuffling her pressed down with my hands. She still wore that golden skirt from before. I looked at it as the golden as it flew in the air because of the sudden change of her position, almost like curtains. Glancing at her I could see the little amount of fear in her eyes that got overshadowed by shock. 

 

“Bitchy style..” A smirk appeared on my face as she struggled to release herself. 

“Don't suit you… You should have stayed ladylike...“

“Taekwoon! Let go of me!”

The smirk disappeared, as I leaned forward this time. I didn't know what I looked like back then, but she gave me those eyes. The eyes that I had always hated but could never get used to. 

“Don't call me Taekwoon…”

“Why?” She shot back,  but her voice trembled. The fear within her was strong and I enjoyed it. I leaned to her ears, 

“If I said that I am the only victim then I am….You haven't gone through anything that I had. And yes...I didn't yearn for that person… So never mention that again.”

She paused for a brief moment, I tried to look at her by the corner of my eyes. She looked at the ceiling with a blank stare. I found myself frowning without realizing. 

“You are lying. You liked him..”

“No… I Hated him…. More than I could ever hate anyone.”

“No….something is not right here…..Taekwoon wouldn't act this way. Who are you? Let go!” She started to struggle once again to release herself from me. I followed her eyes. She was on the verge of crying, tears started rolling down,  and my mind flashed the scenario of Hakyeon from before,  when he first started crying. That image made me sick and I shut my eyes as I leaned forward more. She stiffened. 

 

He again made me agree to something that I wanted to avoid… How could I listen to N and agree to marry….that is.. Aish… 

 

I found myself totally out of my control, as rage and hatred took over… hatred for both Sophie and Hakyeon. I was again in another mess, where one part of me knew what to do and the other part refused. Maybe I didn't need to go to the doctor anymore but because the refusal part lost.my brain won against my heart… 

But….Did I really had control over my brain at that time? 

 

“Say… Let me fix this… Let's kick him out of the picture…” I said through the gritting teeth.

“What are you…. “

My grip got stronger and she moaned in pain. 

“You wanted me to love you, right?”

“I’ll scream if you don't get off now!”

“I love you…”

She stopped squirming as she straight looked into my expressionless eyes.

I slowly let my lips touch her earlobe a little. She quivered, and my eye brows twitched. As if some part of my body hated what I was doing or about to do. But I ignored that feeling, after all, I had to do what I needed to do. And that's what I had decided… 

“Now let's do what should have been done on the very first day… “ I whispered. 

“Taek..woon…You’ll regret..please let go....” she whimpered.

Another drop of her tears rolled down, I hardly resisted the urge of not rolling my eyes at her as I flashed her a surgery coated smile. 

N was happy for my wedding… 

“ I won't regret….. He’s an outcast now“

 

But let's see if it makes you happy or not… Hakyeon….

  
  


\--------------------------------------

 

The house was quiet.. Too quiet. Even my own footsteps seemed daringly deafening that time. I looked at my phone screen. 

 

3:27AM

I suppose Ken fell asleep… 

From one point, I was glad. I didn't want to bother him anymore. But truly, deep inside my heart I didn't have the courage to look at him anymore. I almost tiptoed to the entrance carrying my bag. The light, still turned off, in case Ken noticed. 

He didn't. I without any obstacles, climbed down the stairs. The cold night breeze brushed me off, as I slowly took my steps out. 

 

“It's too cold to die tonight, don't you think?”

Startled, I halted on my steps. Slightly looking over my shoulder I found Ken leaning by a nearby street lamp. Even in the darkness I could still see his hurtful eyes clearly. I zestfully turned around, flashing him a smile. 

He walked towards me, hands folded before his torso. He didn't say a word, neither did I. His silence demanded answer and my silence demanded him to ask me that question with his own mouth. 

Perhaps it had been 4minutes when I had figured out that he wouldn't do it. So I myself parted my lips. 

“It's not what you think… “

“hmm..  Surely you won't die with a bag in your hand. Therefore I’m not thinking that. Now explain… “

I blinked a several times to remember the sentences that I had memorized over and over again before leaving the house, only to reply in case I met Ken.

The words flew out of the windows. I just blinked, as I continued my failing attempts to compose my sentences. 

 

He heaved out a sigh, slowly and audibly. 

“Hyung… “ he engulfed me into a tight hug,  as I strove to take in breaths. 

“The next time we meet… “ his voice broke, I paused, tears pinpricked my eyes as well. 

“The situation would be different… Right?”

The bag dropped from my hand, as I wrapped my hands around him with the same amount of strength. A faint warmth growing between us, I smiled. 

“Mmhmm… Let's go to a nearby bar that day… And we could share what happened to us within the days that we had spent away over a drink…. Okay?”

He hid his face in the crook of my neck, as his tears kept on soaking my tee shirt. He mumbled some things that was beyond understandable. I didn't know when my tears started rolling down, and I gently patted on his head. He raised his head up. Sniffling twice, his nose was red. A giggle made its way up to my lips. 

 

He’s cute even now…. 

 

“The waiter girl will miss you..”

I flashed him a silly smile. 

“She won't… She mostly needs you.. Not me….”

“What are you talking about….” He pouted as his ears went red. I chuckled, relinquishing my hold on him. Taking the bag in my hand again I looked up at him. 

“I have something to do…..”

“Is it meeting him?” he asked, and I just sent him a generous smile.

He knows me too well….

“So…. Till the next time we meet….”

“Let's hope it won't take me 15 years to find you.. “ he sheepishly said, tucking his hand in his pocket. I chuckled. 

“Nope.. I’m sure it’ll be faster……”

A moment of silence. I noticed his eyes wandering around a little, that unnecessary reason to clear his throat, the way he bit the inside of his bottom lip. I saw it all. The more time passed the more I started doing those as well. Then Ken slowly dropped his eyelids, as he started to walk towards the entrance. 

“Won't you at least say-”

He stopped but didn’t turn around, “Stop it! Don't say that! We are not parting away. You are just.. Just… Going for a.. A.. A.. A vacation! That's right! After that ends, we will again meet. So I don't need to say that… Don't you dare to say that either!” Saying so he ran towards the main entrance of our apartment. I looked at his retreating figure and an amusing smile crept on my face as I took my steps opposite from his direction. 

 

Let's meet again soon…Ken-ah~  

 

\-----------------------------------

 

My fingers fixed on the steering wheel,  as my nails carved into the leather. I didn't understand what I was doing at 4 am in the morning, wandering around with a car on a bridge that is  way  far from my house. My eyes constantly looking around indignantly, while the wheels only kept on spinning at a higher speed with every minute passing. 

 

In my own oblivion I kept on biting my lower lip as I looked through the window in order to find a human or at least a trace of scarlet. Maybe I was driving at 110km/h at that time, I couldn't tell. 

 

I don't care if he jumps off… He can die if he wants to… It doesn't matter if I meet him or not. But if I do, then I’ll just tell him how hard he had made my life… Yes… 

 

That was the reason that I had tried to convinced myself into believing for what I was roaming around at that hour. But yet my heart kept pounding that fast only by imagining him jumping off from the bridge. The sound of water splash when he dropped so clear in my active imagination. Morbid thoughts of Hakyeon did nothing but speeding up the wheels under my feet. I came out for something and now what I felt was like someone mercilessly dunked me into cold ice water and held me there as the anxiety fizzled, trying to make it out of my system. 

 

Curse you Hakyeon….. Why the hell am I this anxious…. 

 

The memory of him telling me his final destination on that night kept on flashing before me. No matter how many times I tried to shuffle on my bed thinking it was none of my matter, I couldn't help it. And before I knew it, I was already on my car, racing through the bridge. There was not a single living object anywhere, even the street dogs must have fallen asleep. 

 

What am I doing? 

 

While looking at the sideways, I forgot to look at the front. The time I turned around at the dashboard, the human shape before my car that could hardly be seen because of my headlights, almost snapped the daylight out of me. Cutting a quick corner, I shifted gears, and hit the brake. My body latched forward by the sudden stop and I froze to look at how close I was to either cause that person an accident or get into one of my own. My own heart probably pumped faster than the cylinder that were running below me a few moments ago. 

 

Finally catching my breath, I stepped out. A bit angered at, how stupid one person can be to stand exactly in the middle of the road at this late. 

“Excuse me..”I slammed the door behind me, as I strode forward, “what do you think you are-”

I stopped when he came to full view. My breath hitched in my throat and my fingers twitched as he also took two steps forward. 

 

“Would it be too dramatic to say that I’m waiting for the final showdown..” He giggled before again looking up at me, the trace of the giggle still evident in his eyes he shrugged one shoulder,

“Waiting for you…Leo.. No..” 

He chuckled as the last trace of the smile even left his eyes and I perked my eyebrows. 

“My bad… It seems your colors are back…how can I still call you that…. “

A smile again flashed on his feature, that never reached his eyes, he sweetly replied,

“Waiting for you Taekwoon-sshi…I think we have some things to clear up over here?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... first let me apologize for this small weird chapter... I wanted to fix this buttttttt!!!!! it doesn't matter how many time I tried to reread the story, I feel super sleepy, then I stop reading the sleep gets away T-T so I dunno if its a weird chap or there are alot of errors in it... its not as if I reread the other parts..But I always skim through to know if its that weird or not....But I couldn't so.. forgive this silly FF writer.. (don't hate it for one chap o-o)


	9. Home sweet Home

They say you have devil on your one shoulder and angel on the other… Maybe it's true, because the more he came to view, the more my emotions decided to divide into two part, competing against each other to make the other lose.

 

_My devil and angel were my brain and heart… Funny even now I call my heart the angel…._

 

If someone were to ask me about why I was that frozen at that time by seeing someone that I had been looking for, what was I to answer them? Because….

 

“Would it be too dramatic to say that I’m waiting for the final showdown..” He giggled before again looking up at me, the trace of the giggle still evident in his eyes he shrugged one shoulder,

 

“Waiting for you…Leo.. No..”

He chuckled as the last trace of the smile even left his eyes and I perked my eyebrows.

“My bad… It seems your colors are back…how can I still call you that…. “

A smile again flashed on his feature, that never reached his eyes, he sweetly replied,

“Waiting for you Taekwoon-sshi…I think we have some things to clear up over here?”

 

I found myself unable to make any decision to what expression was I to show at that moment. If I were to describe the emotions it would be impossible to understand what went beneath my shell. My traitorous mind handed me an entire list of emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant, and I just stared into the space unaware of what to choose.

 

_Has anyone ever felt like this?_

 

I suddenly felt weak on my knees, I kept my face lowered. Could he see it? Could he see the mixture of emotions that appeared in my eyes? Almost like a mixture of sugar and salt. Can you differentiate between them when they are together? Do they taste good when the amount of salt and sugar was equal? No… For me it didn't either.

 

I didn't like the sigh of relief that escaped my lips when I saw him. But just in a second got replaced by anger because I again saw _him.._ How I felt happy to see his beautiful smile but meantime felt irritated to know that he was there smiling while I suffered my whole life for him. The aggravating feeling of hearing the name Taekwoon from his _lips_ or the overwhelming feeling of hearing that name again from those lips of his that I thought would never be able to hear only a few moments.. No… From 15 years ago… I didn't know what emotion I should have showed at that time. Fury or jolly.. I got stuck in between… I didn't like any of it…

 

_Because I felt like my emotions betrayed me….._

 

“Ever seen a stained paper?” his voice a bit brighter than usual, I looked up, he still smiled.

“By stained I mean the ones that are stained by ink, only one long stroke by brush in the whole page… “His steps slow as he walked towards the ledge.

 

“They are really troublesome you know? It makes you feel confused, to throw it out or not to. If you decide to throw it out, you feel like what a waste, it's only one stroke.. But to keep it, you know it's useless already.”

 

“what?”

 

“My life is like that…a stained paper…. A long dark blue stroke across it…I decided to throw it away…... But someone said that it was only one stroke… one…no it would be wrong to say someone, two people told me… their words…. Then I decided to preserve it … but…but now when I’m standing here, I'm not sure about trusting one among them… why did he say that?”

 

“Dark blue? Tch… “

 

My hands tucked inside my pocket, I walked towards him, the area was quiet, where only the dark sky and coldness accompanied us two human being, and the only light was from my cars headlight. And the only sound was of my footsteps.

 

“If your one is with one long dark blue stroke, then my one is filled with scarlet paint, splattered everywhere.” I paused, standing just a few steps away from him. Not even trying to hide the hatred I felt for him.

 

He didn't turn at me, his eyes fixed into the far distance, where a sad smile flashed across his feature and I looked at his profile.

 

“Why did you break your promise?”

 

“What promise?”

 

“You promised to contact me…. Why did you never? Why did you not recognize me when you met me? I need to clear these things up before I leave.. “ he uttered those words in a meek tone, but slowly so every word could be heard.

 

“Why do you think?” I asked in my usual tone, eyes still glaring at him.

“There could be a thousand reasons… maybe because you didn't have my address…. Internet wasn't that available at that time after all… maybe you forgot my full name…. Well you were a kid, it’s natural for you to forget…… and how you didn't recognize me… Ken said that there are at least 100 people in the world with the color scarlet. M-maybe you thought I w-was one of them.. “He blabbered those nonchalantly,  I scoffed.

 

“100 scarlet?” I slowly took a step forward, pulling my sleeves up to my elbows, his eyes looked at my foot with the corner.

 

“…. In my childhood when you said my color was dark blue… It surprised me then, and it still surprises me how you got my shade correct…I honestly thought you could see them, but…. Seems I was wrong… When you can't even see them...how did you know that I was dark blue?”

 

“What are you saying?” he looked up, his eyes begging for something, and I found a smirk playing on my lips.

 

“There is no way in hell you could ever ask me to believe that you did not contact me because you did not want to. I mean how could you? I can't accept - “

“That’s up to you. But the answer is simple…. Because I didn't want to contact you…”

 

His eye lids dropped, his lips slightly quivered as he took in several deep breath.

 

“Y-you were my lifelong friend…. W-why?” he whimpered, his eyes opened a crack he again looked at the river below.

 

“I hated you…I still do… ” his eyes widened at my words…. he looked up but not at me, just at somewhere in the sky, a grimace playing on his lips. He was sad, maybe on the verge of crying. I wanted to see him in that way for at least one time when I was young, when I still had not hypnotized myself.

 

_But… it didn't feel good._

 

A strong urge of taking back my word kept on knocking on the door of my ego as I also stared at a different place than him. That battle of emotions again happened inside of me, and I found myself again in daze.

 

“Dark Blue…”his voice low yet husky…I glanced at him, he didn't look down, it wasn't hard to know if those eyes were filled with tears or not if I had only taken one more step closer… After all he was shorter, more fragile…. More vulnerable…

 

“A color of conservatism and responsibility… cool, calm and collected on the surface with repressed feelings underneath... Can be compassionate but has troubles to show the emotions that run deep… “

 

He pursed his lips, I found myself frowning.

 

“What else could suit you?.... No… What else could ever suit the Taekwoon that I knew…. It was his color that I painted him with… it was his color.. That I… “

 

A small gulp and his lips started to part again. I didn't let him start,

 

“his? I am Taekwoon..” I raised my eye brow in confusion.

 

“no…” this time he jerked his head a little from side to side before he looked at me, locking his chocolate expressive eyes with my dark expressionless one. Sadness was clear in his eyes, yet he held a mysterious strength in them. Unlike the upset figure from the evening who broke into tears by knowing that I was Taekwoon, this one was rather….strong…

 

“No…. You are not…. You are not Taekwoon, you are not Leo either…”

 

“Are you sleep talking? I am LEO, I am Jung Taekwoon.. ”

 

“No….” he calmly replied, his expressive eyes suddenly so blank. I found my blood boiling in my system, he didn't say anything but I already felt like knowing the next thing he was about to say. And my legs were ready to run to him if he were actually to utter those words. My mind, my heart, none wanted to hear that one sentence, I’ve already heard it enough times to know how they start their talking before they sputtered that sentence before me.

 

 _“_ You are not Taekwoon, neither Leo… You have turned into someone that I dunno.”

 

_And he did not disappoint me.._

 

For the first time after I had regained my memory, my feelings finally clicked together. I rushed towards him, fisting his collars, I pushed him. His lower back hit the ledge hard, a small groan from the base of his throat, as his legs struggled to balance himself properly. While I found myself quivering in...rage? disbelief? Hurt? I dunno. There were a large range of emotions working inside of me, and they all were negative in all aspects.

 

“What did you just say?” I hissed.

 

“What are you… “ he said as he grabbed my wrists, the sudden attack got him by surprise as his eyes trembled in shock, my grip tightening.

 

“You dunno who I am? I'm not Leo? I ‘m not Taekwoon?”

 

He didn't reply, just blinked a several times and a frown formed between his brows. The blankness in his eyes was long gone now. I pushed his collar a little bit more, his back arched behind ,taking a quick glimpse at the river below us he again looked up at me, his one hand grabbing onto the ledge rather tightly, other cupping around my wrist. The shock in his eyes multiplied.

 

“Then who the hell am I? Tell me! I have heard it enough! I'm not Leo, nor Taekwoon, then what is my identity! It's all because of you that I am a mess. I am wrecked Cha Hakyeon, and it was just because you were there in my life for such a short time… it shouldn't matter, but it did. You made me do things that Taekwoon would never do. You, Cha Hakyeon made me do all that, you turned me into something that I wasn't!” I cried, my breathing getting frequent as my whole body trembled in anger.

 

“What? What have I turned you into?” he quietly asked, his grip a bit tightened around my wrist, I could feel his chest heavily rise and fall.

 

“You turned me into a monster… If you were never there then I wouldn't have turned into something different, Leo wouldn't be here! I wouldn't be here, listening to that stupid accusations of not being me from you!” I pushed down a little bit more, leaning over him.

“Do you have any idea of what I had gone through all these years? All those eyes, all those insults, the harsh words from my parents… from people … The fights that I got into…. You were the reason behind all of it. Or even when I had no idea about your name or who you were, look! You again frigging controlled my life by pursuing me to marry someone that I don't even like. My life is getting destroyed. You are always the reason… You were the reason why I started to fight with others,  the reason why I hurt others, girls, parents I hurt them all physically or mentally…while you just…you never even tried to contact me either. You knew which country I was living in… I didn't contact you? What did you do? I could ask you the same thing… can't I?”

“No you can't.” he retorted back. His breathing back to normal I found myself gritting my teeth.

“What?”

“Because I'm not a son of a businessman. Because I did not have money to search for you in USA at that time. Because I needed an adress to know about you that Jung Taekwoon had never told me about. Because Jung Taekwoon became Jung Leo, I couldn't search for you when I didn't even know who I was going to search for! … Don't try to act as you are the only victim here.. “

 

_Don't try to act as you are the only victim.._

 

My eyes widened, the words of Sophie from before flashed before me. Blinding rage took control over every fiber of my being. I pushed him down further, his legs were even a bit above the ground now, but he didn't try to get back to the ground, rather he kept his eyes locked into mine, which did nothing but increase my rage.

 

“You wanted to jump off from the bridge once right? I’ll gladly help you…”

 

“You are wrong…”

 

_He didn't even bother about what I said…._

 

“You are always wrong… just like you were wrong about people’s colors never change, you are again wrong about me controlling you. I proved to you that people's color change, right? You are a living example of it. I’ll prove my point again.”

 

_Huh?_

 

“I forced you into marriage? Fine.. Did I force you to make love with her as well?”

 

His words shocked me, my grip loosened a little, and his legs again touched the ground I looked at him baffled..

 

“How did… you can't see colors then… How..? “

 

His posture was still calm, but his eyes were angry.

 

“No…. but I can see lipstick’s color on your neck… Surely you can't make me believe that you have put lipstick mark on your neck on purpose, also so many of ‘em. You should have at least showered once.. You are saying that you are getting married for me? Your life is getting destroyed? Tch…” he rolled his eyes, I forgot to even blink, this was nowhere near the graceful N… he was simply…

 

“I told you not to _do it_ with her even before we met! Over phone! You didn't listen to _that_ but you agreed to get _married_? Beside it's 21st century, you don't like it then get divorced later.. Destroy doesn't suit the situation…I made you hurt your parents… I made you fight with other people .. I made you hurt girls… then why did you not do those when you were with me?”

 

His words felt like rubbing alcohol on wound, but I felt paralyzed. My grip loosened completely, this time my eyes trembled in shock and his gaze firm. He leaned forward a little but didn't still his posture, his back yet a bit arched.

 

I immediately remembered the memory of the little me’s color getting deeper at the words of other faceless kids, and how it soothed down by the little scarlets call. I found tears pinpricking in my eyes.

 

_I don't understand… why…_

 

 _“_ May be because I was little,” I tried to sound firm but the uncertainty was evident.

 

“That's why you didn't fight? Then how is that my fault that you become like that when you became older…”

 

“Hakyeon… what are you… “

 

“I’m asking how is that fully my fault?I know that I don't know what happened to you…that's why I'm here, I wanted to know that……. I wanted to know what happened to my Taekwoonie….”He cried while I in my own oblivion took a step back, I still somewhat tugged onto his collars.

 

There was a pause, as if he was trying to make a decision, I waited for him to say his words.

 

“I turned you into a monster right?” he whispered. I frowned, tears still welling up in my eyes.

 

“If I’m gone, will Taekwoonie return? Then that shall be it.”

 

Before I could register his words, I saw him hop a little, then his back arching behind, his collars getting away from my tug. My whole body twisted in a sick spasm, instinctively I stepped forward and tried to wrap my arms around him shutting my eyes. Things happened so fast that I couldn't grasp at what was happening around me.

 

I did not dare to look, for once I thought maybe he is not in my hold, maybe I am just holding myself, and maybe he actually jumped off. The anxiety grew like a malignant lump, threatening to cut my air supply off as my heart constricted with the thoughts of losing him.

 

Then his palm rested on my shoulder, a soothing warmth brushed off my whole body. I opened my eyes a crack, the raging blood flow in my ear stopped instantly, and I could hear the meek sound of his beating heart, I slowly looked up, but didn't loosen my hold, he was looking at me, the tears in his eyes sparkled from the light of my car’s head light…. but it did not look like tears of sadness, neither shock… he simply looked…

 

_Relieved… He is still here…he ain’t gone///_

 

“Care to put me down?” he hushed as his other hand stroke my hair gently, his words made me realize how awkward the position we were in with his one leg between mine and my hips against his,his both legs were above the ground and my ones touching the wood. I pressed his back on the ledge that was almost bending like a bow, while I put my whole weight on him.

 

_He must have been hurt…_

 

Straightening him and myself, I took a few steps back making space for him to stand, before releasing my hold. The tears in my eyes that had dried up a few moments ago, again started to well up in my eyes. I looked down. Unlike other times when my heart and mind handed me a whole list of emotions, this time the list remained empty. I just didn't know what I was feeling.

 

“I thought you said that you will gladly help me to jump off.”

 

He started in a mocking tone, I flinched a little, but didn't look at him.

 

“I turned you into a monster…. Say, Would a monster save me if I were to jump down? Would someone be that scared to know that the person he hates so much just decided to jump into a river for him?”

 

I bit my lower lip, trying hard to stop the tears from rolling down, my hands fisted at both sides.

 

“Taekwoonie…” he hummed, his fingertips slowly running across my earlobe , cheekbones, jawline… a tingling feeling ran down my body. His fingertips wasn't soft, They were rather rough, almost like a farmers hand, the amount of hardship he had carried out with those hands, it was easy to tell only by that simple touch. I found myself lowering my head even more.

 

“You are not my Taekwoonie anymore that is for sure… “His palm slowly caressing my cheeks.

 

“You are not the Leo either… but… You are not a monster…”

 

I slowly opened my eyes, my vision was blurry, may be tears were ready to drop down anytime soon. I wanted to look up, but my ego hurt. I ended up looking down for the entire time when he had spoken his words.

 

“My Taekwoonie can never be a monster… He is far better… Maybe he had changed, maybe he had become something else that others didn't like…. Maybe…he changed into something that he wanted to… Maybe…. I.. I really did..change him into something that he tried not to…”

 

He sniffled, cradling my face in his palms, raising my face up, to see my eyes. His eyes held the universe in it, but the brimming happiness inside those were hidden under uncertainty, sadness, yet I found myself drawing in his universe, only to touch that small bright light and spread it everywhere, eliminating all other emotions that overshadowed those…

_But did I held the right to do so..._

 

_Hate, rage…_

 

I dunno when he changed all those emotions of mine into guilt… What did he say, that had beaten my brain …. I don't know. But I knew one thing, where my heart handed me a new list of emotions, my mind’s list of emotions were burnt to the crisp inside of me, making sure to leave no traces of it.

 

“But whatever he is…. “

 

I couldn't keep myself to look at him, the incite of again holding him in my arms, crying out the word “sorry”, telling him that I missed him, shouting out to him that I needed him, to him was strong, and his eyes were making it harder to control that urge, I tried to turn my head around but he again faced me to him. The least I could manage to do was not to match my gaze with his.

 

“He is not a monster. I don't believe that…. No… I refuse to believe that… even if you are not like before, i know,  there is Taekwoon, Leo just within you… maybe you are right… maybe I’m changing you.”

 

I clenched my teeth, cursing myself.

 

_He could say so much about his thoughts… then why am I this stoned?_

 

“Maybe after I leave you’ll return to yourself…..”

 

“Why? Why would you leave? Why would you leave for me?Why would you leave when you found the one that you searched for over these years, “ I silently asked, this time fixing my eyes into his, I was confused and my face did not betray to portray that emotion in every possible way.

 

“Because…. You were my friend… I love my Taekwoonie,” a gentle smile flashed across his feature. He was not talking of that sort of love. It was simply the type of love that he used to talk about when we were kids. Tears coursed down and like a habit I whispered my next words.

 

“I hate you Hakyeon-ah… “

 

“I know…”

 

His smile widened subtly, his voice breathy as his hands kept on caressing me, just like before.

I put my one hand on his, bringing a halt to his movement.

 

“No you don't… you dunno anything… you dunno how much I hate you for being the only one to make me feel indifferent from others. I hate you for making me feel loved. I hate you for not looking at me with those dreadful eyes even when I don’t even know who I am, what am I doing… all other people, those kids at school, those kids in USA, my parents, Sophie… all looked at me with those eyes, but you don’t. I hate you for keeping me sane when I almost thought of ending my life only by knowing that I promised to meet you again. I hate you for making me smile even in my deepest sorrow, only by seeing a simple happy picture of us, I hate you being the only one who treasured my smile. For making my heart pray to god that I would still, for another time meet you here, alive.For teaching me to treasure something that is valuable to you, even fight for it. For being the only one to know who I was, what I was...the only one to try to see my colors….the only one who did not call me a monster.....Even today, you didn’t.. Even when I almost pushed you..you wouldn’t call me that.”

 

My fingers slowly wrapping around his hand, almost crashing his fingers in my grip, instinctively I moved my nose closer to his palm,maybe to inhale his scent or maybe to hide myself from his eyes, I dunno, as I kept on saying whatever that I had hidden in my heart for all these years. I didn’t know if he was listening or not, he seemed as if he was stoned. Even when is hand crushed into my grip, he didn’t flinch.His eyes kept on looking into mine.

 

“and I… being the naive me, decided to throw you out of my life. Decided to forget about the only one that did so much for me…..Why do you have to be the only one to do all these Hakyeon. Why? Why does it have to be you makes me feel at ease? To make my mind go beyond all rational thoughts and work on its own? Why even after not knowing about your real name my heart again fell for N? Why does-”

 

This time his hand flinched a little. I stopped, turning my face to him, I could see tears also dropping from his eyes. He trembled a little, I found myself taken aback.

 

_I shouldn’t have said that…._

 

I didn’t know what I was saying, and to that account, I didn’t know why I had said the last line as well. Words were leaving my mouth even before I could entertain the thought of filtering them. Suddenly I grasped for air.

 

“Wait, it’s not… no…”

 

He pried his hand away, wiping his tears trying not to rub it hard that it leaves red marks. While I kept on biting my lower lips till I could taste the copper in my mouth. My eyes kept on searching for words as he walked away from me. I could hear his footsteps behind me. The meek sound of him taking his bag in his hand. Then again moving close to me.

 

“Leo-sshi…” He called from behind … I slowly swerved around. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling inside, a smile kept on playing on his lips. I saw him taking quick breaths to keep him stable, so he doesn’t again end up crying. My eyes on the other hand, ended up drying so much that it started to sting. I yet searched for words to explain myself.

 

“I’m sorry to destroy your engagement today….. I didn’t mean to but.. I really didn’t know that my real name would shock you so much..” He chuckled. My eyes again widened. I truly didn’t know what was it that went in the little mind of his.

 

“What? You are not going to pretend that these never happened… are you?” My hand automatically went to hold his arm but he stepped back.

 

“There is nothing to happen, Leo… You are getting married, even if it doesn’t work out later, it’s still a marriage. I’m sorry that you had to waste an invitation card on me… You know I have a friend in here, he will be here even when I’m gone….it won’t be a problem if he goes..”

 

“What do you mean you won’t be here?” I desperately replied, my hands again went to touch him, but I stopped in the middle seeing the look in his eyes. I took in several breaths to calm myself. I had done that so many times that day, was it working?… I dunno anymore.

 

“Listen… just forget what I had said… it was just a slip of tongue… Just be here for me, as my friend. You are thinking about my marriage, wedding card? I’ll stop it if you want as well…”

 

“And insult your parents, Sophie’s parents before all those people that clapped for you tonight?” he sternly replied. I dropped my eyelids, my hands resting by both side, I clenched my fist once then again released it.

 

_Another reason why I hate you Hakeon…is because you are too damn right…_

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“They never cared about me Hakyeon…” he whispered.

 

“But you are not them… you are you… You gained your colors back didn’t you? I’m right on that.. Am I not? But it's darker than my Taekwoonie’s color…. Can’t you bring it back to it’s original color?”

 

“I need you here to do that…”

 

“No you don’t… I’m nobody…. You are right.. I’m the one at fault… I should have never been like that…I shouldn’t have come to find you. But I couldn’t help it you see, you were too…”

 

The image of a small little fair doll sitting on the swing lonely, bruises of other kids hitting him still too fresh on his forehead, tears rolled down his cheeks as he waited for his mother alone…. Even after hours went by he would be there, waiting for his mother. Mumbling things like how he will tell his parents to teach them a lesson, how he hated the world. But at the end of the day, when the car finally stopped in front of the school, his mother wouldn’t come out of the door, because they were busy due to work, and he would again start to cry by wrapping his small little arms around driver - flashed before me.  I shifted my gaze away from him.

 

“You were always someone that was just too much lovable… I’m bad at controlling my feelings you see...My friend and I also got into a lot of argument for this reason… but I was always just too much stubborn. And that’s why we are in so much mess right now… Only if I had not come here…. But I have a chance to fix it now… so you should help me as well… live well as Leo….and if possible, try to get your colors back… not for me… I wouldn’t be able to see it anyway… but for you… maybe…”

 

The sound of his sigh reached my ears. He must have been confused about what I was saying, but honestly the feelings were mutual right? Even I didn’t know what was happening to me, did I now? I turned around.

 

“…… Live your life as your own….I won’t control it anymore… You are free from all promise...See you Leo,” I took a step forward, and he held my arms. He didn’t turn me around. He seemed as if he wanted to give one last try, but not to force me to understand.

 

“If it’s goodbye…”

 

His voice came out as hoarse whisper.

 

“Leave by knowing the truth….”

 

I waited but didn’t turn around. His grip loosened as I heard him chuckle.

 

“Won’t even let me see your face for one last time, huh? Fine… Hakyeon-ah~ it wasn’t a slip of tongue…. I truly did…. No… I still love you….”

 

_Was it always this hard to hold your tears in…_

 

I found my heart breaking into a millions of shattered pieces. I shoved my hand away from him.

 

“I know…” I slowly murmured.

 

“And yet you would leave me?”

 

“A prince should always end up with a princess Leo….. Not a kindergarten school teacher who is a male…”

 

I started to stride away into the darkness. He didn’t try to stop me anymore… maybe he realized that I had already made up my mind. Or maybe he decided to give up...

 

Was he shocked? Was he sad? I didn’t know. I didn’t look back. However the sound of him dissolving into heavy sobs, kicking his car once did reach my ears, to inform me that I truly did end up hurting him- him being the little doll on the swing with bruises on his forehead, on his skin,sobbed for hours because the world hurt him. And I being the little me made the promise of protecting the little doll forever in my own oblivion. Little did the little me knew how large the world was for the small hands to hold it in. And now when he finally realized, he couldn't take back what he did. The doll still sat on the swing alone, but the small bruises all seemed smaller compared to the bruise that the little me had created. For how he yet bled today, a large splatter of scarlet on his chest, right exactly where his heart is…..

 

_This time it really is a goodbye….Taekwoonie….._

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“No Ken…. you are not allowed to get police’s help to trace my calls! That kills the fun!”

 

_“What Fun!! It’s already been six years since I last saw you! I wanna meet you once! Even Jeongyeon misses you...”_

 

 _“_ That’s why you should find me….. Be glad that I still contact you over phone.”

 

“ _Tch… thank’s your majesty for such an honour… I’ll make sure to **repay** this with every single fiber of my body when I meet you!”_

 

His cute words made me smile even over the phone, I could still imagine him saying those words like he was standing before me, threatening me with squinting eyes, and index finger pointed at my chest.

 

“Teacher, teacher…. Sungjae pushed me!”

 

I looked down, one of my little student tugged my clothes, his brown eyes behind the glasses, chubby cheeks became even puffier, and his nose and cheeks red in high. His eyes were teary behind that large harry potter glasses of his. He again reminded me of how Ken had looked when he would start crying.

 

“Ah… Ken-ah~ I have to go… a little you is crying before me…”

 

_“Aish… I would start looking for all the kindergarten schools to find you, you know! then what would you do!”_

 

“Yea~ do it… talk to you later.”

 

He then said something about someone might coming and meeting me today, but I cut the call on him. Kneeling down I sent the kid an assuring smile, patting on his head lightly.

 

“It’s okay Jimin-ah~… We are standing in the middle of a playground, it's only natural to get pushed... I’m sure he didn’t mean it… where is Sungjae now?”

 

“He is playing with the sands….”

 

“I’ll go and talk to him.. You go and sit in the classroom, play time is over!” I lightly pinched his nose, winking at him once. A sweet angelic smile flashed on his face, sniffling once he called for his friends, loud.

 

“Guys, playtime is over!! Let's get in!”

 

And with thunderous murmurs the kids started to run towards the classroom, even Sungjae was there. The kids laughter was sweet. They made me happy, the laughters were all beautiful… and I made sure that it was never by targeting one single kid… no kid ever deserved that….

 

“You are beautiful…”

 

An unknown voice. I looked over my shoulder, a small kid around the age of 5 just like my students stood behind me.

 

My eyebrows rose slightly, confusion was evident in my eyes, with a slow grin on my face,

 

“Thanks….”

 

He crossed his little arms in front of his chest, mocking a posture of a “Mr. Know it all” as if to going to announce something really important. I turned around to face him, still kneeling down,

 

“The way I see it, you are more beautiful than a princess…Just a little darker… but it’s still beautiful.”

 

And I let out a chuckle to hear his announcement. I looked at his wistful eyes questionably, a discreet smile still creeping on my face as I lightly hit his head with my knuckles.

 

“I’ll take that as a compliment…”

 

He looked at me with angry eyes, and a giggle automatically bubbled up from my throat. He exhaled.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“It’s my new school… I’m gonna study in here from now on… What are you doing here, beautiful?”

 

I scoffed hearing his words.

 

_Kids these days are really ahead of us in everything._

 

 _“_ I’m gonna teach you here in this school from now on, kid! Now get in..”

 

He stuck his tongue out slightly, as if telling him to go inside was a well-known and forbidden taboo. I again found myself smiling.

 

_This kid is cute…._

 

He turned his face away from me, his eyes were sparkling with curiosity, as if he held a question that he wanted to hear the answer of for a long long time, but couldn’t make up his mind on whether to ask it or not. I waited for him to continue.

 

“Say…. I have a question to ask…”

 

Nodding my head slightly at my cute new student, I signaled him to go on.

 

But Just when he started speaking, the school bell started to notify me about what time it was. But his words didn’t go unheard by me, and I found my eyes widening with every words that left his lips.

 

“A prince should always end up with a princess…. Who made that rule?”

 

The time froze around me as I looked at the kid with shocked eyes, and he looked back with a determined one.

 

“What…….is your…..name?” my voice barely above a whisper, I asked him, desperately.

 

“Hyuk...Han Sanghyuk..”

 

“Ow….Who told you that?”

 

And before he could reply, my phone started to ring. I took it out, to see an unknown number calling me. I picked it up, eyes still fixed on the boy. He looked at me, probably waiting for me to finish my talking.

 

“Hello…..”

 

“ _He is right, isn’t he?_ ” My eyes widened for the second time. For some unknown reason I just couldn’t stop the sudden tremble in my hand.

 

“Who are you?”

 

Surely I knew that voice, no way could I ever forget that. But just to be sure, I had to ask. After all, it’s already been six years. I stood up, following the sound of footsteps behind me I turned around.

 

“Jung Taekwoon…Your Taekwoonie.....Remember?”

 

My widened trembling eyes met dark, sparkling ones, and the world around me stopped spinning as I struggled to believe what I saw was real. I slowly put down the phone, I wanted to run to him, hold him into an embrace. But I knew better, about where I was standing.

 

“Hyuk…. Go inside and wait… we will be there in a while..”

 

“Yes appa….” The kid behind me obediently followed his orders and ran towards the door. I, being the still shocked me looked baffled at them. It didn’t make any sense.

 

_But that’s Han Sanghyuk….._

 

He started to walk towards me again putting the phone in his pocket. I stepped back,

 

“Don’t..”

 

He didn’t stop. He kept on walking forward till there was only one step gap between us. His hands tucked in his pocket, he tilted his head. That sly smile still playing on his lips.

 

“It took a while, but I tried to keep my promise Hakyeon-ah~ As your Taekwoonie..”

 

“That kid… h-he w-was your s-son?” I stammered, my brain still too numb to register anything.

 

“He just called me appa…”

 

_Of course...but.._

 

“His name is Han… you are Jung!”

 

“Well… there was a few things in my family.. Skipping the details, the first child would go with the name of the mother’s side of family, and second would be mine.”

 

_Ouch…..that hurt for some reason…_

 

“So,You have another child?” I tried to sound happily curious, but found him sending me a smirk.

 

“Nope...just one..”

 

“Ow… good…..” and I again sounded like a stupid who was relieved,

 

“where’s Sophie? Is she here as well?”

 

“No…”

 

“Ahh… you actually got a divorce…” I gave him a disappointed look. He just clicked his tongue.

 

“She’s dead…..the day when Hyuk was born…”

 

“Ow….ow… that’s.. Sad to hear… I’m sorry...You have been raising him alone?”

 

He nodded. There was an awkward silence between us. I searched for words to break that unwanted quietness, and the topic that my mind handed over to me was practically not the best one. But I started anyway.

 

“So…it must have been hard.”

 

He silently nodded, the smile and the adored way he was looking at me, creeped me out.

 

“But… it’s not good for Hyuk.. He needs a mother…It's important for children to grow up with both a father and a mother’s love…. any plan on getting remarried?”

 

Next? He even closed that space between us, our noses brushing each other.

 

“That’s why I’m here.. Would you volunteer?” he whispered. I scowled at him.

 

“What? Wait! You don’t understand… I meant mother… I am a man..”

 

“But I don’t need a wife, Hakyeon-ah….. He had a mother… she gave him birth. Now what he needs is a teacher and what I need is my other half back… and you seem to fit both roles very well….”

 

“Sorry not interested in romance… you are my lifelong friend… and I don’t want anything else,”

 

“Then let me be just that…”

 

“huh?”

 

“I’ll be here, as your lifelong friend, forever till I die, live under the same roof as you. Sit in the dining table, and would be peering over the coffee mug to know how beautiful you look when you cut the vegetables with a butter knife. Lying beside you I will keep on gawping at you,and wonder how more beautiful can you look when you sleep. Wait for you outside the bathroom door and enjoy the song that you will be singing when you will take shower..”

 

“Are you _okay_ Leo-sshi? We are not filming a drama here,” I found my cheeks burning real hot with his words. What he was saying seemed nothing like a drama to me, but yet I found myself embarrassed because I also was starting to imagine what those scenarios would be like.

 

He chuckled.

 

“Your ears and cheeks are all red…”

 

I put my palm on my face. My cheeks really was heating up, I hated to even imagine how red I must have been then.

 

“My whole life is a drama Hakyeon… I have accepted that… nature loves to play the drama play with me alot. So join me, please….”

 

“I told you I’m not interested in romance..” I murmured.

 

Lie…. to see him doing those was also a dream for me since when I didn’t know…I also imagined him cooking ramen for me while I sat on the counter looking at his skills. But then the dream would shatter, because the society would never allow. I’d end up losing my jobs, no one would want their childrens to be educated under someone who was seeing a man. Taekwoonie would end up losing all reputation. And most of all, there was someone more important than us in the picture now…. his son….. Hyuk would end up being another victim just like his father…

 

_Could I still agree to something like that? …that was Taekwoonie’s son. My Taekwoonie...so his son….he was also my beloved wasn’t he? So how could I? Destroying Taekwoonie’s son’s future for my happiness… no ...I knew I could do better._

 

“Then I won't even touch you until you allow me to… just please don’t tell me to leave anymore.”

 

He put his forehead onto mine. And closed his eyes. I wanted to say no, but every organ of my body was screaming to agree with him.

 

“Leo, this is Korea...you can’t do that here…”

I softly whispered, trying to pour some senses into him.

 

“Do I seem like I care anymore,” he opened them a crack,

 

“ I’ve drank so much to forget about you. I’ve spent so many nights crying because of my stupid mistakes. I’ve had it hard enough. I’ve lived all my life in sorrow. Being a wrecked person as I already was I had to raise a son. Hyuk is amazing you know… At first I thought I couldn’t ever like him, because he was a mistake. But just like you he gave me a reason to live again. Rather than I raising him, he kept on raising me. I had your number for so many days, found your adress so long ago. But just couldn’t find the reason to come back to you, and ask for you. It was again Hyuk who asked me that question. _Why can’t prince be with another prince…_ And that was my excuse Hakyeon… don’t make me leave again. I’ve given up on almost everything just to gain you… if you also ….” His voice broke.

 

I parted my lips, but words wouldn’t come out.

 

_What was I to say to him at this moment?_

 

“I’ve regained my color back  Hakyeon-ah~ can’t you see? Then please… don’t send me back with only agony in my life… I beg you…”

 

I shut my eyes. There was nothing to say anymore. His words came from his heart, and I knew I had to give the best answer to his request…. And the answer was simple now, wasn’t it?

 

“Can you wait for two more hours? School isn’t over yet… And my house is a bit small you see…. Two bedrooms…… my bed is also really small…. A prince like you won’t mind...would you?”

 

“I’m not a prince anymore… I have a son…Perhaps the King?”

 

“Yes, your majesty….”

 

He graced me with a rare heartfelt smile of him, which was accompanied by a few unshed tears in his dark eyes.I too returned his smile with one of my own. His arms wrapped around mine, but I was too engrossed in his eyes to care about what he was doing. His nose slowly crossing mine, his eyes half closed. Maybe I also got in the mood, his eyes always held a magic for me, and I again got mesmerized. He deliberately exhaled, his warm breath on my lips and I broke away from my daze.

 

“Hey! You said you wouldn’t touch me until I allowed you to!” I tried to talk low, but my voice didn’t follow. He moved his face a little away, still it was jarringly too close.

 

“I didn’t,” he shrugged, “I’m holding you. And _you_ didn’t stop me…”

 

_Yup…. his colors are back….._

 

Maybe my face gave away my emotions, he again chuckled.

 

“Hakyeon-ah~, did you miss me? I missed you so much, Hakyeon-ah~. You missed me as well, right? I love you sooo much”

 

A little shock and then a huge satisfaction. Closing my eyes, I smiled a little, reminiscing the old memories of how we used to be..

 

“I hate you…”

 

And then his nose brushed by mine, and he closed all the distance, to meet mine with his warm lips. I opened my eyes with shock and he pulled away swiftly. I wanted to say something but the unusual warmth in his eyes, softened whatever I felt at that time. Because…surprisingly…it felt good.. And remembering my first kiss, I realized one thing… People were not totally wrong.

 

_Everything did felt wrong before because it was not the right one._

 

“Meanie,” he whispered, a smile growing on my face even if I tried to stop it, it didn’t.

 

“I know you missed me….” He chuckled, while I giggled.

 

“Hakyeon-ah~... I really love you… never….ever… leave me again...” He murmured.

 

Wrapping my arms around him I returned him his embrace, a soft warmth growing between us,

 

“I’ve missed your voice Taekwoonie. I love you too….”

 

A small kiss on my neck before hid his face in my neck crook.

 

“Hakyeon….I’ve finally found my home sweet home….” he softly whispered.

 

I nodded.

 

The little fair doll grew up and stood by the swing now. A new doll sitting on his swing, the fair doll smiled at him, a generous fatherly smile. Seeing from afar I grinned. The thought of adoring them grew ever so stronger inside of me.  But, People, unknown people started to gather around them. Again pointing at the new prince, laughing at him. Even the fair doll became troubled. I failed to preserve the fair doll with the small hands of the little me then... But the little me grew up. He can now protect the fair doll and his prince now, can he not? He had to…. After all,it was his Taekwoonie and _his_ son. He would. Now that was his promise to the little me...

 

“Welcome home…. Taekwoon..”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END 
> 
> FINISHED!! sorry if I disappointed you at the last chapter.... because.. well the original ending was supposed to be Leo actually murdering Hakyeon on the bridge and then angsty stuff.... but.. since the ones that comments all asked for happy ending.... I decided to finish it with the most ususal turn of event.... :3 anyway... if you are disappointed, please let me know. if satisfied ALSO LET ME KNOW andmaybe vote.... thanks
> 
>  
> 
> WAH!! I CANT BELIEVE I FINISHED ONE OF MY STORIES!!!!


	10. I was wondering

I was just wondering if anyone ever wanted it to be a sad ending or something? Maybe writing an alternative ending? Just wondering

also, 

the color thing was a bit confusing... so if someone is confused then...the explanation is given below:

 

1.For Taekwoon it was a people's aura, for Hakyeon it was their personality and self dignity(?)[sorry I can't really explain what's for Hakyeon since english aint myfirst language... =-="] The behavior, the look in their eyes, the way they smile, the warmth in their eyes, the fakeness in their behavior, he would judge them and color them; Hakyeon's coloring was like painting someone after coming to a decision about him, where Taekwoon could see what type of person he would be just by looking and know their true personality.... only Taekwoon could see the aura around them.. while spending time with Taekwoon in his childhood, you know if your friend is a good artist, kids tend to follow that friend and also try to learn draw, its kinda like that. Hakyeon just started to paint as well.

2.He couldn't see Leo's color because Leo was not Taekwoon's actual self. He had all sorts of personality to cope up with everything he was told to do. and his eyes were always darker and blank, he couldn't see the actual person within him. you know, white is basically a mixture of all seven colors while black contains nothing? That's why it was a mistake of Hakyeon to paint him with black. It's not like Leo was showing fake personality, But instead he had to show all kinds of personality according to when what is needed. It was Ken who just told that him Leo was white n his opinionon that account ^-^ he still couldn't paint him.

 

 

3.he talked about Leo's color coming back because of his eyes. I told you, they seemed blank before , also in 6 chap I believe? he said that there was a warmth hidden under that dark shell of his eyes...remember? when Leo stood on the bridge before him, he could see that warmth, it wasn't hidden under a mask anymore that's why he said he got his colors back.  
I think the third point would have explained this story a bit if I had written the bridge part from Hakyeon's POV but, if I did that, Taekwoon would have end up being confusing.... so Sorry for the density ... And thank you for showing the interest in knowing what I meant in the story instead of thinking it didn't make any sense and thinking it was bad...!! _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

 

For if someone is interested about each ones color like what their colors meant:

 

Aqua(ken)- it calms the spirit, offers protection and heals other's emotion.

Mauve(Jeongyeon)- it makes the best choices and descision, it is concerened for justice to be done and always does the right thing. It also indicate a degree of commence the social climber aspiring to higher ideals.

Scarlet(Hakyeon)-It indicates enthusiasm and love of life. It is a little bit intense a bit more fun loving than true red, tempered with a degree of defiance. More trustworthy, and knows how to be loyal. (hakyeon is Loyal :3)

 


End file.
